Friday, December 20, 2013

Words Kill

I feel like i'm going to burst!

Some people just don't understand the importance of words. Even if you're joking, the words you speak can slowly kill some one else. Every time you say a negative thing a part of that person wilts away. 

At least that's how i feel. And it seems like everyday that happens. But lately it seems to happen more often. Why? Don't know.

Growing up my own father would make fun of me. Great confidence booster right there. He always compares me to other girls. The other night i went out to dinner with him and he was telling me that i never call him or spend time with him and he then proceeded to compare me to an 8 year old who just loooves her 'daddy' and *she* calls *him*. He tells my mom how these other kids are going to be lawyers in 2 years and they're only 20 years old. 
For years i had to put up with my father telling me i'm an old granny and looking at how i dressed like i was some freak. 

My grandfather didn't think before he told me that i have a huge face or that i must watch what i eat, "you eat too much" he used to tell me. I like to sleep with a light on at night 'cause my room is extremely dark and i like to see my surroundings. "I see the next door neighbours like doing that as well ... i don't know what's wrong with you people". His tone held disgust. Was that really necessary? 

Yeah, i have insecurity issues but i'm pretty sure a lot of that would go away if i can go one day without my brother making fun of that. Rubbing salt in my wounds. Joking about my 'layers' of fat and how weak i am. If it's not one thing it's another. He says he's joking. 
That's not a funny joke. 
When i speak up and tell him to stop that he says 'hogwash' and keeps going. I say one thing wrong or i fight his fire with my fire 'cause some days i can't take his crap anymore he looses his temper and says i make him want to hit me.

Thanks bro.

That means a lot. 

Or when i get home from shopping with my mom and Mark has this great big smile on his face and runs to my mom and tells her how much she's missed. I don't mind that, i think it's sweet but don't a few seconds later in a meek voice tell me i was missed too 'cause i know i'm not. 

Instead i get told that i should've choked longer when i swallowed wrong ... in the name of joking.

I get laughed at when i want to pursue something. Yeah, i'm not the greatest at maths but i don't need to be laughed at when i'm trying my best. I feel great when Mark says i'm intelligent but then that light grows dimmer as i hear my brother laugh and go, "her? Intelligent?".

I'm always the 2nd thought. The one who is the last to be introduced. The one who doesn't get mentioned in phone calls but Sebastian does. 

I guess some people just don't realize that everyday when i wake up and hear these things a part of me dies. 

Sometimes i think i'm unlovable. Am i really that bad ... that ugly ... that unacceptable? 

Will anyone ever love me for who i am? 

I don't know.

I hope so, anyway!

So as you go through your day, watch what you say. Be sensitive to other people's feelings and always think before you speak and think how your words will affect the other person.