Words Kill

I feel like i'm going to burst!

Some people just don't understand the importance of words. Even if you're joking, the words you speak can slowly kill some one else. Every time you say a negative thing a part of that person wilts away. 

At least that's how i feel. And it seems like everyday that happens. But lately it seems to happen more often. Why? Don't know.

Growing up my own father would make fun of me. Great confidence booster right there. He always compares me to other girls. The other night i went out to dinner with him and he was telling me that i never call him or spend time with him and he then proceeded to compare me to an 8 year old who just loooves her 'daddy' and *she* calls *him*. He tells my mom how these other kids are going to be lawyers in 2 years and they're only 20 years old. 

For years i had to put up with my father telling me i'm an old granny and looking at how i dressed like i was some freak. 

My grandfather didn't think before he told me that i have a huge face or that i must watch what i eat, "you eat too much" he used to tell me. I like to sleep with a light on at night 'cause my room is extremely dark and i like to see my surroundings. "I see the next door neighbours like doing that as well ... i don't know what's wrong with you people". His tone held disgust. Was that really necessary? 

Yeah, i have insecurity issues but i'm pretty sure a lot of that would go away if i can go one day without my brother making fun of that. Rubbing salt in my wounds. Joking about my 'layers' of fat and how weak i am. If it's not one thing it's another. He says he's joking. 

That's not a funny joke. 

When i speak up and tell him to stop that he says 'hogwash' and keeps going. I say one thing wrong or i fight his fire with my fire 'cause some days i can't take his crap anymore he looses his temper and says i make him want to hit me.

Thanks bro.

That means a lot. 

Or when i get home from shopping with my mom and Mark has this great big smile on his face and runs to my mom and tells her how much she's missed. I don't mind that, i think it's sweet but don't a few seconds later in a meek voice tell me i was missed too 'cause i know i'm not. 

Instead i get told that i should've choked longer when i swallowed wrong ... in the name of joking.

I get laughed at when i want to pursue something. Yeah, i'm not the greatest at maths but i don't need to be laughed at when i'm trying my best. I feel great when Mark says i'm intelligent but then that light grows dimmer as i hear my brother laugh and go, "her? Intelligent?".

I'm always the 2nd thought. The one who is the last to be introduced. The one who doesn't get mentioned in phone calls but Sebastian does. 

I guess some people just don't realize that everyday when i wake up and hear these things a part of me dies. 

Sometimes i think i'm unlovable. Am i really that bad ... that ugly ... that unacceptable? 

Will anyone ever love me for who i am? 

I don't know.

I hope so, anyway!

So as you go through your day, watch what you say. Be sensitive to other people's feelings and always think before you speak and think how your words will affect the other person.

HEAL don't HURT

I Don't Want to be a Businesswoman

Backtrack a few hundred years ago and all women did in life was get married at a young age and have lots of children. Then feminism came in and a lot more doors were open to women. They could now choose which path they wanted to be on.

The enemy is the ruler of this earth and so what does he try to do? He comes to kill and destroy. And that also means he tries to get rid of the natural order of life. God made a man and woman to come together in marriage because we complete one another and form the whole image of God. But what has the enemy done? He pushes homosexuality and now it's rampant. Just a few years ago it was seen as an offense but now it's an offense to say that you're against it. God created the woman to be a help meet for her husband but now you see women dropping their kids off at daycare and marriages burning up in flames.
Now, the new trend is not to get married at all. Sure, live together, have children ... but marriage? It's so unnecessary because most marriages end in divorce anyway.

The culture's message to everyone living on this planet is to get a high-end job to make lots of money and to 'make it far in life'. Since that's the man's role in life, to be the provider and to be the one with the good job, women try ever so hard to be like a man in order to be 'worthy'.

But what happened to being a wife and mom? That's somehow seen as a lesser job and not nearly as worthy as being a doctor or a businessman. I don't understand why! I look at my baby brother and i can't imagine giving up a life of being able to be a mom and a wife in the future, and to be surrounded with family to simply waste away by sitting in an office all day making lots of money just so i can pay my bills and have enough money to take a yearly holiday to the beach and to do something fun on the weekends.

I saw my dad the other night. He thinks just like everyone else does in this world and it's hard for me to relate when my dreams for the future will seem 'petty' to him. You're not reaching your full potential and you're wasting your life if you get married young. But that's what i want. I want to get married young 'cause i don't see how it can be a cage. You have the opportunity to spend the rest of your life with your best friend. Why on earth would you pass that up?

I hate the way the culture depicts marriage to be some last resort in life. You're somehow losing your freedom if you get married.

So yeah, it may look like i'm wasting my life by wanting to be a wife and to be a loving, supportive help meet for my future husband. I do want to cook meals for him, i do want to snuggle up on the couch at night while watching a movie with him, i want to serve God together with him ... why would i choose to live life by myself?

I look at 2 people that i know who are the same age but their lives are so different. The one is single, went to a university, she's traveled everywhere and she spends her evening with friends, drinking.
The other woman is married, has several children and spends her day raising and teaching her kids and being a help meet for her husband.

I see the emptiness of life for the one and a full life for the other one and i realize that i want the life of the latter woman.
Occasionally when i'm in the mall i see a young couple, early twenties and they have this newborn baby and i can't help but smile whenever i see that. It's so sweet. I remember this one time when my mom was paying there was a woman at the counter next to us and i couldn't stop staring. She was so beautiful. She was wearing such a pretty outfit with a long skirt and her hair in pretty, natural waves but she had this newborn baby in these cute slings you get nowadays that wraps itself snugly around the mom, but she had this permanent smile on her face and i couldn't stop thinking how happy and beautiful she looked.

How could someone think that taking care of a family is a burden?

So it may seem like i have no ambition in life but i just to be the woman that God made me to be. Not to be a slave to my future husband but to be his help meet. So i pray everyday that God will make me into the woman that he will need. The kind of woman who stands beside him and supports him and pushes him to seek a deeper relationship with YHVH!  And i want him to do the same thing for me.

Because i'm quite happy spending the rest of my life with my best friend in a small, cute home.

Let Go

This song i really needed to hear!

The lyrics are so pertinent to me and i think God is gently nudging me toward the right direction even though it hurts and is so hard .... and yet .... it's so simple.

Let me give you a bit of a background on my life:

Growing up i was relatively happy. When you're young and naive you don't really pay attention to the real world. My days were filled with school and extra activities such as dancing, acting, and music. I was never the girl who had loads of friends. When i was at my lessons i would talk to the girls there but they would never come over to my house. I only had 2 'true' (i use that term lightly now) friends back then.

But when i turned 13 my life changed. Things got more tense at home. My parents were fighting more and my friends grew more distant. When i was 15 my parents got a divorce but during those 2 years of the arguing and the tears I grew more reserved. I was trying to handle this new found faith in God, learning about the Torah and trying to deal with my own father making fun of me at the same time.
I thought something was wrong with me and so i grew this immense self-hatred toward myself. I felt like i was a mistake and shouldn't be here since this time my friends didn't seem to care and so i felt alone.

My mom got remarried when i was 15. She stayed in Alaska for 3 months with Mark, trying to sort things out over there but during those 3 months i was in charge of the house. My dad was also traveling overseas.  He would deposit money into my bank account, just enough to buy food for the weeks. But i had to cook and clean and make sure the house was in order.
For a 15 year old dealing with a lot of emotions that was a lot of work.
But at the same time God was showing me so much in His Word.
In my family on my dad's side when you're 18 you get the Lee signet ring. My brother's very proud of his ring but to me it's just a ring although i was very proud to get it at only 16. I wore my ring the next day in the mall. I went to the bathrooms and as i was walking back to my grandmother i noticed i didn't have my ring on. I panicked and ran all the way back to the bathrooms which was on the other side of the mall. While i was running the verse in Psalm 45 popped into my head. "Forget your father's house". As i got to the stall i saw that my ring was gone.
Yeah ... a God-Thing!

When my mom came back i was such an emotional wreck i didn't know how to cope.
We moved around a lot after that. Staying a few months here, 1 night there etc. During that time i was battling with an addiction that maybe one day in the future i'll have the courage to speak about.

I told my dad goodbye and didn't speak to him for a year.

The house we're staying in now we've been in for over a year and God has really used this time to heal me from my past. I'm in contact with my dad again although we rarely speak. In a year i've seen him twice and yes ... he blames me for that.

But that Psalm 45 verse is still rolling around in my head. I get frustrated that my own biological dad doesn't make more of an effort but then i think .... how can i be angry? God warned me this would happen. And you know what's so amazing about Him? He's made it easy for me to do just that. I haven't had to tell my family members on my dad's side i must "forget" them. I'm pretty sure they've forgotten me.  I can see it two ways.

 1: My family really doesn't care about me and i was a fool to ever think that.
2: God is protecting me from any more emotional pain and so He's causing them to drift away in order to teach me and make me draw closer to Him.

The only thing that really hurts is the letting go part. I'm a sensitive person and grow attached a little to easily to some people. If your words tell me you love me and care about me and for a while it looks like your actions line up ... well, then, i'm a goner. But break that trust i now have in you and you probably won't get it back too easily. I will act all tough but inside i'm still soft and still attached to you and struggling to let go. I now see that in my past i cared more for the opposite person than they did for me. So i gave them my heart and they threw it back.

So this past year i've been praying very specifically. I believe in specific prayer! This year has been a major healing year for me. A preparation year for the life God has in store for me. I asked God to make my 18th year the year where *my* life begins. Not the life that's hitched to some one else's wagon. But that i'll be free for God to use me.

So i believe my life is finally starting. I wrote in one of  my previous posts of me hopefully going to Israel next year. At first i thought it was just me but now i truly believe God wants me to go somewhere. Some place where He can speak to me in a powerful way and where i can take the first step.

On a Shabbat my family and i listen to a teacher; Rico Cortez. He's amazing and actually a descendant of Aaron. A few months ago he spoke of the Rites of Passage. Everyone in the Bible went through it.

I can see how my life has lined up with this and how this past year God has taken me away from everything i've ever known. A place where there have been loads of trials (and there still are major trials). We're at this point where we're trusting God for everything and i mean EVERYTHING! 

13-16 years old: Rites of Separation.

16 -17 years old: Rites of Transition.

And i'm just praying that i will finally be 'incorporated' and ready to do His work in this world now.

I have 2 destinations in my mind right now of where God might want me to travel to. I've been praying about it and i can't help but feel this immense peace when i think of the one destination and a little doubt when i think of the other. There's a little bit of fear for the one and a little bit of 'security' for the other. 

One teaching by Jim Staley, he said that you should always go down the path you're most afraid of. God hasn't given us a spirit of fear and we must be fearless when living for His name. God rarely asks us to walk down the path that offers 'security' and 'comfort'. Rather i find He takes you to the end of your comfort zone ... the place, where naturally, you're most afraid, so that we can learn to not give into fear.

I'm still praying about this and will wait till the end of October - mid November to really make a decision and to walk out in faith.

The theme of my blog is all about being strong and being a warrior for God. My whole life i've been the softy who never speaks and the one who lets people ride all over but God is training my fingers for war and hardening me to difficulties so that i can truly be His warrior. 

Both trips are a bit scary since i'm traveling alone but there's this one i'm most afraid of more ... an end-of-comfort-zone fear and i think ...

 God's asking me to take His hand and walk with Him on those waves and let yesterday burn in the fire ...

and to finally LET GO!

The Deal with Tattoos and Piercings

This topic i have been thinking a lot about lately. So many people dismiss tattoos and piercings simply 'cause other people have told them that it's wrong. I'm not that type of girl. I don't like listening to other peoples opinions about certain matters unless they have proof in the Bible. I don't let them tell me something is wrong when they have absolutely no proof whatsoever that it is wrong. I study the Torah and live by that.

This is what brings me to tattoos and piercings. I'm mainly going to share my opinion on piercings but it seems like piercings and tattoos go hand-in-hand. When i got my nose pierced, my one friend was shocked and asked me, "Promise me you're not going to get a tattoo?"

I will start with tattoos since that's pretty simple and easy. I think they're wrong.

You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves: I am the LORD. (Leviticus 19:28) 

That pretty much sums it up. Permanent tattoos are wrong. I think Henna is ok since it washes off in about 3 weeks. 

But i see a lot of Christians actually thinking that tattoos are OK. They only follow the NT so that's understandable but whenever i walk past a tattoo parlor in the mall near us i stop and look at some of the pictures. It's crazy how so many people get tattoos of Christ on the cross or Hebrew. I find that really really strange.

But now i'm going to share my opinion on piercings.

I think piercings are alright. In fact, i love some piercings. I don't find anything in the Torah that speaks against piercings. Obviously you don't go crazy and get tongue, lip, cheek or any piercings in crazy spots. We're still the Temple of God but i think earrings and nose rings are ok. 

Nose rings because it's actually spoken of in the Bible. Rebekah got a nose ring when she became betrothed to Isaac. I think it was a tradition back then because some Middle Eastern cultures still practice it. You see the Indian women wearing a huge nose ring with a small chain attaching to their earring on their wedding day. 

 "I inquired of her, 'Whose daughter are you?'...And I put the ring on her nose and the bands on her arm" (Genesis 24:47).

God also talks about nose rings when it comes to adorning Israel:

"I decked you out in finery...I put a ring in your nose, and earrings in your ears..." (Ezekiel 16:11)

And when God speaks of punishing the women He says He will take away their nose jewels:

"In that day the Lord will take away ... The rings and nose jewels." (Isaiah 3:18-21)

Based on all these verses i see absolutely nothing wrong with nose rings. I currently don't have mine anymore because it was irritating me to no end. It kept falling out and snagging when i washed my face. It just really hurt.

I love earrings, though. I'm not a jewelry girl. I hate jewelry. I hate wearing bracelets and necklaces that don't mean something to me. I have a necklace with the Shema on and my ring that has God's name in Hebrew on it. 

My cartilage piercings.

At the moment i have 4 ear piercings and hope to get 3 more in the future. I have my first lobes which most people have. I got those pierced when i was 2 years old. A few months ago i doubled pierced my own ears. I have a high intensity to pain so piercing my own ear didn't hurt at all. I got an infection in my one .... twice so i took them out. But then i got my cartilage double pierced on my right ear. 

Example of a Triple Forward Helix
piercing.

Once my 2nd hole is healed i want to get my left ear forward helix triple pierced. 

I know a lot of people won't understand why i do this and they'll think it's immodest. But i don't see anything wrong with it according to God's Word. A lot of Christians quote the Leviticus verse above ^ but they clearly don't read the full verse. It says "FOR THE DEAD". 

Shiite Muslims actually self-mutilate themselves on the anniversary of Mohammed's grandson's death. Here's a link if you want to know more. Warning: Graphic images  Click Here

What these Muslims do is just plain demonic and this is what God was commanding us NOT to do. We should not honour the dead in any way. 

But as far as i can see, God does not speak against a jewel in an ear.

Comments?

Celebrity Culture's Influence

Apparently Rihanna has just landed in South Africa. I cannot express how much i hate it when these weird celebrities decide to come to my neck of the woods. Lately i've noticed more and more celebrities heading out here to SA. The first movie i remember was Safe House staring Denzel Washington and Ryan Reynolds. I watched that movie purely because it was filmed here. Then other bands came here like Metallica etc. Justin Bieber also came here and the huge frenzy over that was ... crazy. Future Mrs. Bieber t-shirts were everywhere and then of course the horrible Lady Gaga. I've also heard that Taylor Swift is heading here to film a movie in Cape Town.

I guess i tend to follow a few celebrities. When i was younger i occasionally watched the Disney Channel. Hannah Montana, Wizards of Waverly Place etc. Now, i'm not the type of girl who was obsessed with celebrities. I never had Hannah Montana albums or posters or clothes. My mom never let me get like that and i thank God for that. The only things that i was obsessed with was High School Musical and Barbie (when she was a princess). I never understood celebrity worship. I never understood why people start freaking out when Taylor Swift touched their hand or with any other celebrity. I actually think it's pretty pathetic. 

But i've noticed that when celebrities first come on the scene they seem all wholesome and moral but then a few years later they turn freaky. I liked some celebrities from my Disney Channels and i tend to check out any new movies from them or new songs. Especially now. 

The thing with the Disney Channel is that it's relatively modest and clean. No weird stuff going on although i think it's not the best thing for young teens to be watching 'cause .... well, it makes you stupid. The humor is lame and the lessons it teaches you are just typical teenage stuff where the most important thing is being popular. 

Which brings me to the topic of some of those stars. Disney Channel is mainly for young teens, when you're 18+ you move on to more 'grown up' work. I've found now as i check out some of these celebrities how being sexy and sensual is all part of being 'grown up'. Just check out Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez and how hard they try to rid themselves of their innocent Disney Channel image. I won't go into details but i'm truly shocked ... i'm not exactly sure why. Maybe it's 'cause when these young stars where younger they boasted about wearing Purity Rings and talking about abstaining till marriage. Of course when they turned 19 all those things were tossed to the side. Miley Cyrus seems to be having fun wearing practically nothing and having this weird obsession with her tongue sticking out and ....twerking? And Selena Gomez trying ever so hard to pull off the sultry, 'party goer' look. 

When i was 14 and was a bit insecure on how to dress i actually Googled that (i know ... weird) and i saw a few articles of people angry at the way Dakota Fanning dressed when she was 14. She wore a lot of mini shorts and heels to special events. Now search for Bella Thorne. She's 15 now and she wears the exact same things if not worse and everyone now comments on how 'cute' she looks. Have we degraded that much in a four year time span?   

15 year old Disney Channel
Actress Bella Thorne.  

I shouldn't be surprised. This is what happens in that culture. But the sad thing is is that these young girls are influencing so many other little girls (age 7+). What's the deal with this culture and media? Why do they try and strip girls of every piece of innocence and to tell them they have to act like 21 year olds? 

When i was younger my mom never let my brother and i watch TV so i didn't feel any pressure to be a certain way. I was pretty happy wearing my brothers hand-me-downs and climbing trees in the backyard. But now i see 13 year olds in the mall wearing high wasted mini shorts and shear tank tops exposing their underwear which has to be neon yellow just to let everyone know to look there. I'm sad when i see these girls because no one teaches them about femininity or purity. Their parents who should be the ones protecting them from this crap are just going with the flow. 

There's aren't any morals anymore. No modesty. The Bible says that nakedness is a shame. Heck, the priests couldn't even walk up a ramp to offer sacrifices because the men also wore 'dress-like' garments back then.

But nowadays the more you show the better. Magazine covers don't even hide it anymore. The human body is supposedly 'art' and should be shown to everyone. There's a lot of controversy regarding modesty. A lot of feminists just think it's just another way to prove that the patriarchy rules. The female body shouldn't be hidden. Why is it deemed appropriate for a male to walk topless but not a women? It's these sorts of arguments that make women stand up and say no to modest dress. But of course they then wonder why they get harassed by men or get crude comments about the way they look. 

In other words these women want to wear their underwear outside and still be treated like a lady and with respect. When i see things like this i say my new favourite line, "You are the reason we need instructions on shampoo."

It's these same women who say that when they say no, they mean no. They obviously don't understand the way men's minds work. If you're dressing like a prostitute then yeah, you're going to be treated like one.

It's like this new parade happening in SA called a Slut Parade. It's where women parade around in as little as possible saying no to rape.

..........

Can you honestly be so stupid?

But they just don't understand that modesty isn't only for guys.

Heck no. I don't only dress modestly because of guys, i dress modestly to respect myself. Why on earth would i want everyone who crosses my path to know exactly what i look like? Why do i want the world to know what my thighs look like? I DO NOT!!!! When i dress modestly i want the world to see that i have depth to my personality. That i'm not some easy target that they can just pick up and leave in the corner. I want them to see that i respect myself and that i'm more than what my body looks like. I'm more. I have dignity and virtue.

So dress the way you want to be treated. Don't follow celebrity fashion or look up to anyone in that industry. Look to God. One way that i test myself in the way i'm dressing is:

 "Would i feel comfortable walking into the Temple dressed the way i am now?". 

The Quest for Beauty

The other night it really hit me. It hit me how far women will go for their own vanity.

It all started with extensions. A few months ago my mom cut her hair to her shoulders. Her hair was really damaged and her split ends looked like candy floss so i helped her cut it off.

But of course when you have long hair and you cut it so short you seem to grow some sort of sentimentalism toward your lost hair. Most women can't wait months and months on end for your hair to grow back so one day i thought of extensions. I told my mom and the next day we went shopping. Came back home and Evelyn sewed them to my mom's hair. Naturally you try and go for 100% human hair else the extensions only last a few weeks. Human hair lasts a lot longer.

The other night my mom and i were talking about how natural the extensions look and then we both had a thought. Where on earth do these extensions come from? It's human hair so it came from somebody else. That was a freaky yet simple thought to have. It's 100% human hair, it's pretty obvious it came from some one else.

So that sparked an interest in my mom and she started Googling. Later that night she came to my room all wide eyed and shocked. She told me that most hair extensions come from India after the Indian women shave their heads as a thanksgiving offering to their 'god'. I was shocked. But after reading a few articles it really hit me how far women go to look beautiful.

Plastic surgery, cosmetics, fashion, hair, face creams, the list can go on.

Even Lipo suction and all these studies to try and see how to lose weight the fastest way in the shortest amount of time.

Why? For what reason? In the long run is it really that important? Will you one day stand before God and all you can say is that you've maintained your weight and were able to fit into a size 6 (UK)? You were able to look 30 at 60 years old?

Really?

Of course the culture distracts us. The enemy tries to pull our attention away from God and since it's our desire as women to want to look beautiful, we're easy prey. But who are we trying to look pretty for? So many women spend their day fretting over how they look and their husbands keep saying they look gorgeous. If their husbands think they're beautiful then why are so many women still fretting, thinking they're not pretty?

I fret. I admit it. I don't know how many times in a day i ask my mom if i look fat or if my face is ugly. But when i read articles like the one on hair extensions i realize how petty and stupid this quest for perfection and beauty really is. I don't want to spend my days worrying about how i look or if i look fat in this pair of jeans. When you walk in the mall do you notice the women who don't look like super models? No. Do you look at disgust at the ones who don't have perfectly toned bodies? No. So do you think people honestly look at you like that? Chances are they seriously don't care. It's this media and pop culture that puts this pressure on women.

But it's not even women, it affects men too. In advertisements you only see men with perfect 6 packs. Honestly ... how many men on this planet have a 6 pack? About as many as women have perfectly flat stomachs and not a flab anywhere.

We need to focus on things that are truly important. Live a healthy lifestyle but healthy doesn't always mean skinny. You get skinny people who can eat whatever they want all day long and they don't pick up weight. And then you can get ones that are a bit heavier but they eat their fruits and veggies and exercise everyday.

Try not to fret over the little things. Spend time with God and set your eyes on what's truly important in the grand scheme of things.

Healthy Living

Ok. I'll admit it. I think living a healthy lifestyle is hard. For some people it seems to come naturally. My mom, for example, loves her healthy food and you never see her with a KFC burger. When my parents were married my dad was a huge junkie. I learned a few bad habits there but my mom was still very strict. No sweets or junk food during the week. I was very active when i was younger, dancing ballet several times during the week, climbing trees, swimming, pretending i was mermaid one day and Lara Croft the next.

But when my parents got divorced i stopped all my extra activities, music, ballet, art. I was sad so i turned to food. Comfort food. Some people lose their appetites when they're sad, some turn to food. I'm part of the latter group. Carbs just have a way of 'filling the gap' when i'm sad. But that's a false feeling of comfort 'cause a few minutes later you feel sad again ....and fat, lol.

So ever since i was 14 i've battled with my weight. Picking up weight, attempting starvation but it was all in vain.

I like the concept of living a healthy lifestyle but actually doing it is a whole different story. South Africa isn't exactly the place where i can go for a run by myself so it's a lot harder for me to be active.

Our body is the Temple of God and we can't fill it with junk and artificial crap. I just found an awesome YouTube Channel called Blimey Cow and in a few of his videos he mentions how you CAN'T pray over unhealthy food. It's true.

 It's just wrong.

So here are a few tips that i've learned. I love studying the benefits of food and also the consequences of eating badly.

• So the first tip is obvious: Stay away from all fast foods, crisps, white bread and greasy, oily foods.

From some of my research i see a lot of diets say to cancel out carbs and sugar. Nah! Sugar consumed in small amounts is NOT bad.

• Try and eat lots of fruit, veggies, and protein. 

I know a lot of women stay away from protein for some reason. I, on the other hand, have absolutely no idea why and how. I love meat, chicken, fish etc. Plus it's extremely good for you. It is packed with iron and the B vitamins. A few months ago God started showing my mom and i how eating Halaal food is against the Torah 'cause it's sacrificed to another god. In SA a lot of the meat is Halaal so we bought our meat at a kosher butchery. Kosher meat is extremely expensive so we had to have mince once a week and chicken on a Shabbat. After a while i started feeling extremely exhausted and i started getting the symptoms of what a diabetic has. Excessive thirst, lethargy, occasionally blurry vision and i started getting pins and needles very quickly. I went to the doctor, got my sugar level tested and praise God i didn't have diabetes. But then what was wrong with me? It turns out i was lacking in iron and B vitamins. So i went to the pharmacist and the lady there injected me with B's. I got such an energy rush and i felt so good. But then when i went to the mall i was looking at some of the meat there and saw a lot wasn't Halaal. That was awesome and now we eat more red meat.

Which is good 'cause i haven't needed any injection. I'm so awake and buzzed.

• Exercise.

This is also a given. But it's hard when you can't pay a fortune for a gym subscription or you don't have any sport activities such as tennis or dancing. So i've formed a workout plan. Either you can buy a workout program online such as Tae Bo or Zumba. But i can't afford that right now so i just switch on music and dance away. It sounds crazy but i walk out my room 40 minutes later matching my red hair so it must do something. Just put on some upbeat music and jive. I also do things like crunches, russian twists, jumping jacks, push ups etc. It works. Seriously.

• Eat chocolate.

This is just something i can not give up. I used to be addicted to Doritos but now? Hm-mm-mmmmmm .... dark chocolate has stolen my heart. Dark chocolate is actually good for you. I read in a magazine article once that people who eat 50g of dark chocolate a day weigh 2-5kg less than the people who avoid it. 

So my advice is to EAT CHOCOLATE! 

*Dark chocolate. Not milk or white chocolate.

• The miracle of popcorn.

Google it. Popcorn, surprisingly, is packed with vitamins. Plus it strengthens your teeth. I have IBS so i have to snack in the afternoon else my colon hurts and my tummy stings like crazy when i get round to eating dinner. So i think popcorn is a good healthy choice for snacking. It's also very light so you don't have a full feeling for hours afterwards.

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So these are a few tips i have for anyone out there who wants to live a healthier lifestyle. If you've grown up with fast food and unhealthy habits it will be hard. But i've found that if you give yourself 2 weeks you'll find yourself disliking the taste of bad food. 

It's true that having a burger from McDonalds is cheaper than making a healthy meal but if you're creative it's not that bad.

Dreams of the Future

Most teenagers when they reach 18 have no clue what they want to do with the rest of their lives. But we're told to have everything sorted out by the ripe old age of the big ONE EIGHT! 

I've always wanted to be a ballet dancer. I started dancing when i was 4 years old and kept going till i was twirling on stage in a tutu and pointe shoes. Amongst that i wanted to be a piano teacher along with being an actor. In South Africa most kids grow up with the American movies and so i thought the Americano's way of doing things was our way. I had this elaborate plan to leave home at 15, move to New York and become the best actress ever. I thought i would be so mature at 15 'cause that's how they're portrayed in the movies.

When God started showing me the beauty and wonder of His Torah my dreams changed. He told me He wanted me to be a warrior. To fight and defend Israel and His integrity. In my 15 year old mind i thought, "Oh man, I'm going to join the IDF. God, i'll wear that green uniform proudly.". I didn't know exactly how that would happen since everyone told me 'it's not a woman's place', and i'm not Jewish. I begged God to take this desire away if it's not His will, but alas, it's still there. Not exactly sure why.

But along with wanting to carry an M16, i wanted to get married and have my own family. I grew up without a dad's love or protection. He was abusive and with that my brother also turned hard (God's working there though, Baruch HaShem) which made me crave some male love. I was made fun of by my own father so don't blame me for being insecure. I wanted a man who would love me for me and not make fun of me or leave me ....! I always wondered why some people seem to have perfect lives while others just seem to fall apart.

But with the divorce and moving around a heck of a lot i didn't put much thought into my future. 

.....until now.

I'm almost 18 ... in one month. I must have some sort of direction that i'm leaning towards.

That's a difficult question .... what does God want me to do? 'Cause when you follow God it's up to Him.

My mom loves English and she has an awesome talent when it comes to teaching. So many people love listening to her teach and i know God's going to use that in a huge way in the future but right now she's going to start studying to get a teachers certificate in English.

I never formally finished school. I was homeschooled ever since i was 7 years old and my mom was careful not to put my brother and i in this brainwashing, educational system. 

So my mom asked me if i would also like to study for this certificate so i'll have something behind me. I thought .... "well, i love English and this past year i've been thinking that God wants me to pursue this along with writing ... so, yeah.".

But then i got depressed and i had no idea why. This is what i wanted to do, right? Why am i sad?

So a few days ago my mom and i went out for tea and she asked me if this is really something i wanted to do. I thought about it and said, "no". She asked me if i had 6 months to live and money was no object what would i love to do?

Easy. I would join the IDF.

But you know that nagging feeling that you get when your flesh wants to do something but you just know God won't let it happen 'cause it's not His plan for your life? I get that a lot. But it's good. Then i know where to go and where not to go.

So i thought more realistically. 

I would study Hebrew and go to Israel.

That's my dream. Sure the few people that i know who have gone to Israel, hated it. It's not what it's supposed to be. I hate looking at pictures and seeing the pagan idolatry happening RIGHT THERE!!!!! I get mad. But it's still my dream.

So why not? 

It's very easy to go out and study Hebrew and it's a possibility financially for me to go.

 God has used my mom to keep me on the straight and narrow. That's what parents are for. So I knew that if God didn't want me to do this, my mom, of all people, would be weary and immediately say no 'cause i'm about to propose to her that i go to Israel alone with one of the Torah teachers that we listen to since most of them have tours arranged each year. I looked up tour dates for Rico Cortez at Wisdom in Torah, Jim Staley at Passion for Truth Ministries, and Mark Biltz at El Shaddai Ministries.

Rico Cortez was going in January, that wouldn't work out since that's only 3 months away. His next tour would be in November 2014. I couldn't do that 'cause it would go over my brother's 21st birthday and i can't miss that.

Jim Staley doesn't do tours.

Mark Biltz had a tour already happening now in October.

But ....

Lo and behold there was another tour in April 2014, right after Passover at El Shaddai Ministries. I calculated in my mind and the timing would be perfect. 

So i spoke to my mom. And i am pleasantly surprised 'cause she's actually very supportive with this. And i asked her if she would be ok with me going alone .... at 18. She said she feels good about it but she would have to think about. She said she's not worried about traveling Israel with Mark Biltz and other tourists. She knows i would be safe there. She knows i will be safe on the plane but it's going through the security since Israel is very strict and meeting up with the El Shaddai group.

So i'm praying about it. I'm going to be praying about this till the end of October and then i'll present this idea to my dad. If it's God's will then my dad's heart will be softened but whenever i think about it i have this immense peace. 

I hate making emotional decisions. I always give myself a lot of time to think about something to make sure it's not emotional. That nothing is clouding my vision when i'm thinking of something. That's why i'm waiting till the end of October. 

During the tour i will be going to all sorts of places in Israel. Visiting the towns along the Sea of Galilee, staying 2 nights in Haifa, and exploring the Golan Heights. Swimming in the Dead Sea, and the cherry on top, spending four nights in Jerusalem. Imagine touching the walls of the Kotel? Standing on the Mount of Olives looking on at Jerusalem? 

There's so much more that i'm forgetting to write down here but it's going to be a real adventure. 

I'm still trepidatious. Is this for real? Is God really telling me to pack my bags and head off to the Promised Land for 2 weeks? I don't know. I'm still praying about it.

But i can't help but think ....

Maybe ...

Just maybe ...

YES!

God's Own Heart

My prayer these past few months have been me asking God to make me a woman after God's own heart. To make me like David. To make me like Phineas. Why are these 2 characters so important to me? Because they stood up for the integrity of the King. When David saw Goliath blaspheming, he took charge and killed that giant. When Phineas saw immorality creeping into the camp of Israel he was zealous for YHVH and killed those who were blatantly sinning. This zealousness for God is lost in the Christian Church. When they see someone blatantly blaspheming and rebelling against God, their reaction is love and prayer. To just sit back and not take action.
I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be a part of that. When I see someone cursing the land of Israel, mocking God ... I won't sit in my room praying for them. I will take action and stand as a witness before them. I will warn them of the curses God says will come upon them if they don't repent. In the Torah and in the New Testament God and Paul speak very clearly of how to treat people like this (scripture references below). We must not pity them, we must not even share a meal with them.
Now i'm not talking about those who don't know about the Torah. I'm talking about those who have eaten the covenant meal (the Passover lamb), declared to the world that they follow the God of Israel and then shrink back when hard times come.
The Torah isn't just how an individual is supposed to live. It's a constitution, a legal binding document that God gave to Israel. So when we see a fellow Israelite blaspheming ... we mustn't stand back and be milksops ... we must stand up for the name of God.

I'm sure everyone who wants to pursue God and learn more about Him want to be like David. No one else in the Bible is called a man after God's own heart. Imagine that? Standing before the King of Kings and Him telling you that you are a man/woman after His own heart?

Most of us want to be a David, but how? First we must know what God's heart is. What He wants us to do. How He wants us to worship Him. A lot of Christians will celebrate Easter and Christmas and not even know that they're worshipping another god. That's blasphemy. It's amazing the amount of doctrine the Christians are taught and they just sit in the pew and breathe it all in and not go back and study for themselves (I was like that). Some Christians even know that Christmas is wrong ... but their excuse? They say that they do it for 'Jesus'.

........

Excuse me ..... But now you're acting like Cain. God didn't want fruit and vegetables, He wanted a lamb. But Cain wanted to worship God the way he wanted to do it. Not the way God wants to be worshipped.

We must study and search for how God wants us to worship Him and not do it the way we see fit.

So back to knowing what God's heart is ... it's very simple. But you don't see in the English translations of our Bible. Only in the Hebrew.

The first book in the Torah is Genesis, in the Hebrew, Berisheet. The first word of Berisheet is ... berisheet (=D), the first letter it a Bet.
The last book in the Torah is Deuteronomy, in the Hebrew, Devarim. The last word in Devarim is Israel. The last letter is a Lamed.
Hebrew you read from right to left so the lamed and bet together make the word Lev. Which means heart.

THE TORAH IS GOD'S HEART!!!!!!

You want to be a woman after God's own heart? Follow Torah. David did! Search for the truth.

Deuteronomy 13:8; 19:21; 25:16; 7:9-10; 8:19-20 - Leviticus 20:23; 24:14-16; 26:14-17; 26:18 - Hebrews 10:26-31; 3:12; 10:38; James 4:4; 2 Peter 2:20-22

Quote #1

I love this. We must all keep striving to become His bride.

To never stop trying.
To never stop humbling ourselves in prayer.
To never stop fully surrendering our dreams to Him.
To never stop fighting for the Truth.
To never stop donning our helmets and the Word of God to go out and conquer, all in His Name!

To never stop following His HEART! His TORAH!!

Even when the waves look high and too strong. Always look in front of you, because His standing right there with open arms.

Isn't YHVH so beautiful and amazing?

"I'm the King of the Castle"?

~BE WARRIORS FOR GOD'S KINGDOM~

 

 

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The other day my family and I were bored so we decided to go for a drive to a golf course estate called Eye of Africa. We couldn't just drive in because of the intense security so we had to ask 'permission' from the office. I was waiting in the car with Sebastian. Little Man was trying to suck the window (11 month old babies want to lick everything, lol), so I don't know exactly what went on but we landed up sitting in the realtor's big car. I might add that we arrived in our little light blue Taz with rust on it and dust everywhere so you can imagine what the realtor thought, why on earth are we looking at houses in this prestige estate when we can't even afford a nice, decent car? So we hopped into his car where you feel like your riding on a cloud: can't hear the engine and can't feel the road beneath you.
He took us around this estate, explaining the architecture (apparently it's euro-afro), telling us about the plants (they're 'one with nature' there) and of course all the rich and successful people that live there. He was explaining in his British accent about how, "So-and-so are very successful. So-and-so runs a very successful company. So-and-so is the cousin of some South African celebrity (be impressed people). This man here just bought a R2.3 million Ferrari. This man's house is worth R23.3 million: the chandelier comes down for cleaning, indoor and outdoor pool with gym, cinema with 7 plush seats (he had to add that for what reason I'm not sure), disco floor and this decoration on the side of the house sparkles at night."

So we're driving through this estate with this British man telling us about the success of everyone here, how many rich and 'famous' people live here. He was explaining the intense security and how they have to scan your finger in order to enter the premises. (hmmmm ...)

The whole time I was thinking of how I would die slowly in a place like this. The only thing that impressed me was the gorgeous view but the realtor was going on and on and on about the 'success' of everyone who lives here and how much money they've invested into their house and how he's very good friends with the CEO of Kellogg's in South Africa.

Meanwhile there's an orphanage not far from here who could really do with some money but all these people are just spending it on themselves. Wasting their lives. They're building there homes on sand and when something happens and they lose everything ... what will they have? Nothing. 99.9% of the time their friends would leave them and most of these couples don't have children.

It made me realize the fleeting lusts of this world. How from such a young age we're told to go to a college or university ... for what? To have a good job so that you can pay your bills? So that you can have a big house and nice car? And then at the end of your life what do you have to show for it? Nothing but the fact that you have a lot of money in your bank account.

That's the difference between God's system and the cursed system of this world. God says He's our provider but the thing that I find with Christianity a lot of the time is that they distance God from their problems. They pray about it, sure, but they still have to do it in their own strength. But God provides supernaturally and most of the time He'll always take you to the edge of the cliff where it looks impossible but then that way He shows His amazing strength and power ... through impossibility.

We have to change systems and governments. The Torah isn't just writing on paper, it's a law, it's a constitution where it tells you how to live when you're in God's Kingdom. Just like countries have laws for the people that live there.

So my mission in life is to constantly switch governments. Where I'm trusting God for everything that I need, even the things that aren't necessities but you know what? YHVH cares about those things too.

I'd much rather live in a little small house in a place where I'm useful, where I can help people rather than live in a big house with a fancy car and have loads of friends around me who really don't care about me. God has stripped me of all that and right now the people who are beside me and truly care about me are my family. I don't have friends that I can hang out with on the weekends. My one true best friend is my mom (beside God). We don't have a big fancy house worth millions. But we still have a house that we rent where everyone is comfortable with 6 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms plus a cottage for Evelyn. We don't have a big car, we drive a little rust bucket Taz. But i'm so much happier now than I ever was before. Because I know that this is only the desert. Where God has taken us out of the pagan nations, is stripping us of all we have known (literally), and removing the Egypt from our hearts and yes it's can be very hard but that's where God tests us and sees where our faith is. Where we turn when we see the waves around us.

Will we fear the waves? Have more faith in the strength of the enemy and the world and forget to see YHVH walking on the waves ... holding out His hand for us to take it?

Feminine But Strong

Growing up, I loved climbing trees, wearing my brother's hand-me-downs, and ruffing it in the bushes and playing with plastic weapons and pretending to be this super woman who could save the world. But there was also the girly side of me who loved dressing up in princess, frilly dresses with plastic earrings and shoes with sparkles on. I would lay out my Barbie dolls in a neat circle and have a tea party with them (that was when Barbie dolls were the pretty princesses and not these Bratz you get nowadays). Growing up every girl dreams of being a princess and I believe that's a God given desire. We are meant to be women, not men but that doesn't mean being a woman locked up in your tower and only knowing how to cook, sew and raise children. God created us for much more and I truly believe that religion destroys a part of a woman.
When I started realizing the truth of the Torah I would read blogs on girls folding piles of laundry, scrubbing floors and cleaning bathrooms. I thought that's what I had to do and be to please God. Be plain, never cut your hair, don't wear colour, don't wear makeup and only wear skirts down to your ankels. I think back and remember the piles of clothes I threw away, all my jewelry, everything that was remotely immodest in my opinion.

I can't remember what happened that made me change. But I look back and remember how miserable I was on the inside. Religion squashes you and pushes you into a cookie mold where there's only one way to dress, one way to act, and when it comes to women .... oh boy!

I fell into that mold. I wanted to do something huge in my life. I didn't want to only be home having children and cooking dinner for my husband. I wanted to go out and make a difference, change lives. I wanted to be a missionary, I wanted to travel to a rural village and help with the orphans but some of the blogs I read told me that a woman's place is at home and it's only a very rare occasion where God would call a woman to be anywhere but at home. I felt like I had to be some one that I was not. I wanted to conquer, I wanted to fight but how does that fit into being a homemaker? Praise God that I didn't flop a cake and that's my victory for the day? Yay!

I can't remember how I changed but over 1 year my view started changing. When my parents got divorced I went through a hard time, struggling with so much, feeling depressed most of the time. I wasn't close to God, but at the same time I could feel Him there.

I am not the same girl I was a year ago. I still battle with a lot of those thoughts of having to be a certain way and struggling with the feelings that I must be like some one else to please God.
My one desire in life is to please YHVH and bring glory to Him and so looking at all these people around me who sounded like they had it all figured out and them saying 'this is what God says' I thought I had to be like that to draw closer to Him.

But God is calling me away from that. Yeah I wear pants, yeah I wear make-up. Does that mean i'm not pure? No. Does that mean God sees me as lesser to the girl who only wears skirts? No. I'm just as special. I'm unique and i'm tired of trying to be like everyone else and so i'm starting this blog to document and show everyone who God made me and how He's continually molding me into His image.

I ain't perfect, I fall. But God always picks me up, dusts me off, hands me my sword and we go into battle together.

I'm still a woman. I still want to get married, have children of my own one day but that doesn't mean I have to be on a farm in a secure place where I can go through my day cleaning and cooking peacefully.

God has called me to be a warrior. For what reason ... I don't know. He put the desire in my heart 2 years ago to fight for Israel. To fight for His Torah and not 'love' those that defy and willfully rebel against Him! You don't see David praying and loving Goliath. Rather, while everyone else was wimping out and shaking behind their shields David stepped forward and said, "Your servant will go and fight with this Philistine."!

I'm praying everyday that God will make me like David, a woman after His own heart. One who doesn't wimp out but steps forward and says that I will go and fight whoever defies Israel, the Torah, and the name of YHVH!

We all must stand up and be warriors! Be warriors for God!

And so my conclusion is this: Yes, you can be feminine but still a warrior. I love wearing skirts and frills and wearing my hair in curls with pearl earrings. I love drinking tea in quaint tea cups while reading Jane Austen. I love caring for my family. I want to be a mom and wife and respect my husband's authority as the man of the house, be it in Israel with a war going on, be it in any situation. I will always choose God's calling for my life over anyone and anything else.

And with that, I will leave you with this quote!