Transformation

These past few weeks have been pretty hectic for me. I've been doing a lot of thinking and i feel like I'm changing. Well ... not changing, just being who i was before i was 14 and started being influenced by religious people. You might think, "You read the Bible, you follow God, of course you're religious". I don't like describing myself as religious because i don't like being controlled by a specific group of people telling me how to act and how to dress.
When i started following Torah, as I've said this many times before, i listened to people proclaiming that being plain and dull was the pure, set-apart way to be. Now physical appearance isn't extremely important but it is a factor. You express yourself through the way you dress, part of your personality is revealed through the way you dress.
My mom for example is a pure tomboy. Comfit and absolutely no florals or frills. And that's my mom's personality in a way showing through. She's not your typical 'Hebraic' mom who cooks and cleans. She's tough and speaks out and swims upstream, i guess. She questions other people's beliefs and a lot of people don't like that. She's not girly. She hates skirts. And that's OK.

I'm more complex. In my mind i created two roads i can walk down. One is the plain side where you dress like a nun etc. or if you want to dress a bit more creatively then you have to be in florals, lace and in soft, feminine colours. If you want to wear jewelry then it has to be very dainty.
With both these methods i felt thwarted. I felt like who i was being pushed aside. It wasn't only my creativity in my dress code but my personality was also changing.
I know that sounds crazy but it's true. I was feeling such turmoil and depression. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I didn't feel free. And since i felt this way i knew something was wrong and i needed to change. I didn't feel happy and my mom even told me that i didn't look happy.
Then i few days ago i was thinking about who i am. We're told in religion that women need to be soft and gentle and meek. But i'm not traditionally that way.
I needed to solve this problem so i was trying to think of what i was like before i was 13.

I was quite crazy. I didn't care about what my friends or what other people thought of me ( i miss that part of myself). I liked shocking people and looking different. Unconventional. I loved bracelets. I wore as many bracelets that i could find. Both my arms would be very decorative, lol. I liked clipping pink highlights in my hair. When Bridge to Terabithia came out i was in love with Anna-Sophia Robb's style.

I even bought long socks to cut so i could wear them over my arms like she did.

But then when i was 14 i was told that all this creativity was bad and not 'pure'.

For 5 years i was different. But now i feel like i'm breaking away from that. If people want to add and say that you have to dress a certain way to truly be a follower of God ... i don't listen. You can't judge a person's relationship with God based on if they're wearing pants or skirts. God doesn't define how we're supposed to dress. Obviously modesty is important and i'm not talking about Miley Cyrus self-expression. There are boundaries, of course. 

But within those boundaries there's room for self-expression and creativity.

Religious leaders have no right to tell you that you're unrighteous because of the way you dress. People in general have no right to say that certain items are immodest (I'm not talking about the obvious things). We are all different. Some plain. Some tomboyish. Some creative. Etc.

I just happen to fit into the Bohemian, creative fold and people can't judge me because of my appearance. I love crazy, wild fashion and that's OK. God made me this way and it would be cruel for Him to make me this way and then tell me to be the opposite. I'm not a meek woman. If something is bugging me or if a person is bugging me i will speak my mind. I will question. I will debate. If some one insults me i won't just sit there and do the "Christian" thing by just sitting and listening to it and not speaking up. I will step up and defend myself.

I don't like blending in. I've always wanted to stand out and not go with the flow. 

I love bracelets

I love takkies (especially converse)

I love cargo jackets

I love nose rings

I love earrings

I love mascara

I love beaded dreadlocks

I love nail polish (preferably red)

I love Indian pants

I love colour

I died my hair brown again
so this is what my hair looks
like now. (this isn't me).

These are a few things that i love. Obviously i don't wear all of this at the same time but it's what i love wearing. I don't always wear takkies or cargo jackets or Indian pants and i don't have a nose ring. But after 4 long days i finally have dreadlocks. It's a way for me to show people that i am who i am and i won't wear my 'normal' hair (which was exhausting to manage) just because i'm told that it's the desirable hair to have. It might not be silky but i can decorate it with beads which is more awesome in my opinion. My mom says she feels like i'm back. My funky, happy self. And i'm a lot happier for it.

Hate me, love me. Approve, don't approve. I don't care. I'm me and i feel more free the way i am now than i've ever felt before.