A Girl in the Mall

She walks past.
I'm talking to my mom and don't notice her at first until I "sense" her looking at me.
I look back.
She smiles.
"I love your hair" she whispers.
"Thanks" I respond with a big smile.

I notice her appearance too.
Sort of gothic yet feminine. She pulled it off quite well without looking like a freak.
She walks into the shop ahead of me and I see her joined by an older couple. Parents? Grandparents?

I tend to be very observant and notice things that a lot of people don't.

There's a vibe about her.
You can sense it by the way she dresses.
Physical appearance is a glimpse into someone's personality.
Something familiar I sense about her. Very weird.

I notice she has a tattoo on her upper forearm.
Big, cursive letters.
"Life" it says.
She crouches down and peaks into the window of a small doll house.
I walk past her and take another look at her tattoo.
"Really pretty but wait ... what is that?"
Just a bit lower than her tattoo I notice something else ... something etched in her skin that's definitely not a tattoo.
It's white.
It's scars.
Not just any scars.
Scars that are too straight, too lined up with one another, too unnatural.

Self harm.

I noticed the signs. I got her vibe. I know it too well.

I kept looking for her in that store. Trying to catch another glimpse. Trying to bump into her to talk to her. Mom encouraged me to do so.

I finally got up the courage and walked up to her and asked about her tattoo. She showed it to me, strategically hiding her lower arm behind a packet of muffins.

Yip.
Clear signs.
Those scars were put there for a purpose, a reason.
That was no accident.

While i walked away i felt sadness. Who is she? What is her story? What made her feel so depressed and hurt that she would take a knife to her own flesh to numb the pain?

But most importantly:
Has she chosen life? She clearly wants to be reminded daily to choose it.

She has such a bright smile and beautiful eyes. Her scars looked healed. Maybe she's already far on the road to recovery. I hope so. I sometimes think of her. Wondering how she's doing. Praying for her.

I hope she's victorious everyday in choosing in LIFE!!!

Two New(ish) Paintings and a Bit of Nothing Imparticular

So here are 2 of my new(ish) paintings. They're actually not really that new. The Mediterranean scene i completed over 6 months ago and the Chesed one i actually started and finished about 3 months ago. It took me 2 years to paint the Mediterranean scene. Yip, you read that correctly, 2 years! Ridiculous right? I painted that one with oils and any painter knows that painting with oils can take a while. But joy of joys i found this other type of paint called Gouache. It's very similar to oils but it dries a lot quicker which makes my job a lot easier. It also looks like oils as you can tell. I enjoyed painting with it so much that i finished painting this picture in 2 days. Definitely my preferred method of paint. 

Maybe you can tell that when i was learning the meaning of the word Chesed and the situation in my life at that time God was really just sowing this word into my heart. I love this word. It's my favourite so i decided to paint this .... and get a tattoo of this word on my wrist. This Chesed painting was actually my first original canvas painting. Usually i copy pictures but this one was all my own. I tried to get an abstract look going and i think it turned out alright.

I'm a huge perfectionist when it comes to my artwork, despite many people gushing all over my work i still look at it and see all the errors.

For this scene i was experimenting with using an art knife to capture a sort of 3D look.

I'm trying to create a separate page on my blog for my artwork but i'm struggling to get my page to actually show on my blog. Here's my other artwork though .... 

This butterfly was my first painting on a canvas. I think i was 14 when i did this.

This i painted for my dad's birthday when i was 14 too. Used oils here.

This was probably one of the hardest paintings i've done. It's all about trying to capture the fabric of the tallit. I think i was 15. This picture was taken before i completed the hands ... i just saw that now actually, lol. I really love this picture though and the meaning behind it. The tablets being the Torah and how it's shaped in a heart just portrays that the Torah is not a burden. It's God's heart and His love letter towards His children. We should cherish it and protect it and uphold it with every fiber of our being.

This eagle i painted with oils for my grandfather.

This is probably one of my favourites. I painted it for my family but then decided to give it to the family in Alaska who let my mom stay with them. They really love it so i'm glad i was able to bless them with it.

This i did with watercolours for my grandmother.

Watercolours again. I did this on the front of a birthday card for my mom.

This was my first original. This was a chair we used to have. Watercolours again.

This is excluding all the pastel pictures that i've done along with plain sketches etc etc. 

I don't consider myself as being a great artist but i really do love painting. My dream is to one day have a sort of studio where I can go crazy with my art. I don't paint often because it does take a lot of work and having to take everything out of a cupboard, paint and then neatly pack it all away is very irritating for me. I want to be able to have everything out and messy so i can just pick up a brush and get down to business without having to worry about staining a glass or messing turpentine. Ever watch the movie The Vow? I love Rachel McAdam's art studio in that movie! But i will start small and when i get my own room again one day hopefully soon i will probably use my room as an art studio instead of making it into a "traditional" room. 

The way my life so far has turned out it's taught me about getting rid of unnecessary things and i'm really so over having a bedroom filled with decorations. When we move to Botswana in December i'm probably going to go crazy from months of being confined and not able to have freedom or independence so i'm expecting myself to be out of the house everyday all day so i probably won't care about how my room looks. 

I'm already Googling activities to do in Botswana to explore and get a lay of the land. I also want to go out at night more often. Being active at night has always appealed to me and now that i'm older i'm definitely gonna be doing that. A friend of ours used to live in Botswana and tells us that it's so safe there that you don't feel fear when you're walking around at night by yourself.

I rejoice at such news, believe me.

Will be posting loads of pictures when we arrive. I'm so excited to be moving to a new country. A fresh start, away from the old and in with the new! But again, we won't be settling in Botswana. It's just another stepping stone. We're 99% sure that God is calling us to move to Alaska very soon. Probably towards the end of next year. Super duper excited. I've always wanted to travel and live in different parts of the world and it looks like that's God plan for me too so i'm just beaming 'cause right now, the future looks amaaaaazing!!!

Rainy Shabbat

The Shabbat tonight ended quite wonderfully in my opinion. I love walking to the top story of the block of flats when the sun is setting and watching people go about their business down below. Today was particularly a lovely evening. It was raining yet the sun was shining. One part of the sky was dark with lightening and thunder and the other side was full of sunshine with a light drizzle. I love that combo.

I was so happy to see a rainbow today after the rain. It felt like i haven't seen one in ages so it was really refreshing to see those bright colours and to be reminded of God's promise to Noah. 

Ever since i discovered a nice radio channel on my iPod it's been glued to my ear. I'm discovering all these new songs that just put a spring in my step during the day. You can check out some of my favourite songs on my Pinterest board. The ones that i can't seem to stop listening too are Ed Sheeran's Thinking Out Loud, Harlem Shake by Baauer and of course anything from Meghan Trainor. You know what? Scratch that, anything new on my Pinterest board i can't stop listening too!

Shabbat is a makeup free, frizzy fringe day :D.

Hope you all had an awesome restful day!

xoxo

Something Better ((Simchat Torah))

Something amazing happened today.

In one of my previous posts where I wrote about God blessing us with a job for Mark flying in Botswana and how He provided for us an awesome car of our very own, I shared some details of how everything that was happening was lining up with the meaning of the YHVH’s Feast days and once again God showed us His amazing love and care for us, again lining up with His calendar.

A few months ago my mom, Mark and Mike tried to start their own business. They researched many different products that have not yet been introduced here in SA but many of them have been tried and failed except for this one. They got the product here, they built it and now all it needs for it to be a huge success is an investor. Since Mark will be flying my brother would be the main person in the business who is running it with my mom helping too but the business is in my brother, Mike’s name and so it’s ‘his’.

Well, it’s been quite a few months with the product not moving and sometimes it was looking like it’s too big a dream and not worth the time and money. They've met a few possible investors in the past but of course something would always happen that would make it fall through. It was tough and stressful and there were plenty of times when they almost gave up. We didn't understand why God didn't want this to move forward since a lot of people have said that it will be a huge success.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned during this time is that everything definitely happens for a reason and if something fails or doesn't work out it means that God has such a better and bigger plan for you that you can never imagine. He just asks us to be patient and to trust that yes, He actually does know best, believe it or not. I’ve heard so many believers fall away and become atheists and God-haters because He didn’t come through for them or didn’t answer their prayers. I didn’t want to be like that. I’ve had my many doubts in the past. Wondering if God is here, if He’s with us, if He cares or even if He exists. I guess He knew that those doubts would come and so He ingrained inside of me His Word through Rico Cortez. I listened to him through a whole Torah cycle when he was studying the Torah according to the ancient Near East. Not fluffy spiritual things, but logical, scientific proof that God’s Torah and Word is true. He showed me how God works, truly works and so I couldn't deny Him.

I couldn't pack my bags and fall away like so many other people because it looked like He wasn't coming through for me in my way.

Today is Simchat Torah. The day where we celebrate the Torah, God’s wonderful Word that He has given us. The new Torah reading cycle begins tomorrow so new beginnings. The time in the desert (Sukkot) is over and we rejoice and start fresh in His Word. To me is also means new life so of course I was expecting something dramatic to happen  on this specific day because our lives have been lining up too much with the calendar for something not to happen.

I was right.

One day while we were at the park with Sebastian, Mike got a phone call from a person who works in one of the biggest banks in South Africa, ABSA. They want to see him and discuss his business product. When did they want to meet? Today, on Simchat Torah. Coincidence? I think not.

Mike was so nervous. Rightfully so. He’s almost 21 and starting up this big business that will boom once it starts. God has blessed my brother magnificently with a natural business mind. He’s never been to business school. Heck, he doesn’t even have a Matric but he just knows what he’s doing and he blows many people away with this talent. I’m so proud of him and I’m even amazed when I hear him talk business. This is my brother? Wow.

Anyway, today he met with this person from ABSA and joy of joys and glory all to God. The lady loved Mike. She adored him and has so much favour for him that she is going to push this business of his to the best of her ability. We were so happy today and so amazed. While we’re getting sad that small business men didn’t want to invest in the past God was just sitting up there planning one of the biggest banks in SA to be the investor instead. Hello? Is anyone else shocked and amazed?

When I think of the people who think that kids without Matric or High School Diplomas will be losers and working in McDonalds I laugh. Here’s my brother with neither of those things but he’s starting his own business with ABSA as an investor. And then you get people who go to Matric and University and they just become like everyone else. Working for someone else. Some of the biggest success people in the world didn't finish school. Did that stop them? No. Did that limit them? No.

Of course we both ‘finished’ school but we don’t have a certificate to prove it. Did my mom plan this for us? No. Life got in the way and it was practically impossible for us to write exams. But in a way I’m glad ‘cause I’ve been able to focus my time completely on God’s Torah without any distractions. I’ve grown to be able to be who I am without conforming to other's beliefs, I’ve grown and learned to think for myself and question everything that comes my way. Not many people do that ‘cause it’s trained out of you. But God has kept me safe and for that I’m so grateful to Him and also ashamed for my lack of faith and my complaining in the past when I should’ve been more grateful and trusting.

I still battle sometimes though ‘cause sure this is all happening to my brother and it’s fantastic but I’m still sitting on the sidelines waiting for my turn to come when God will call me to do something amazing. But when I see what has happened to my brother I feel hope ‘cause maybe all my attempts to start something, to get a job or whatever has failed because God has a bigger plan for me.

It’s exciting yet hard to be patient. Right now all I’m doing is practicing to get my driver’s license.

But again, that can all be part of God’s plan for me. Get a driver’s license to become more independent so that He can send me wherever He wants me to go. Just a thought.

When I observe and listen to some other people’s lives I realize how blessed I’ve been these past few years. Sure we’ve moved a lot and it’s been really unstable. B+B’s and bunking with other people aren’t ideal but I’ve lived in many different places. I’ve traveled quite a bit in my life. It’s not grand. I’m not jetting off to Paris or New York but in my own little world I’ve lived. I’ve stayed in cities, I’ve stayed in small towns where I don’t know the language (don’t laugh ‘cause I don’t understand Afrikaans, please, lol), and I’ve lived way out in the country. I’ve met people who have inspired me and I’ve met people who irk me and show me how not to be. I’ve learned a lot about life and God and that’s priceless and something I wouldn’t trade for sitting in a classroom to get a certificate that really means nothing and doesn’t define me.

I’m living an adventure and it’s only going to get better. 

Stay Strong and when it's tough, be grateful and look around you and you'll see how good life is. 

Shabbat Shalom!

Restoration

Things have taken a wonderful turn lately in my life. Really, i don't even know where to begin to describe the wonderful twist my life has taken. Just as I was thinking that life will be a perpetual winter where hardship and sadness are dominant, God has begun to slowly restore everything that we've lost. I don't want to spill everything on here because way too many people have looked at our situation and have judged us and seen it as either God punishing us for going back 'under the curse' of the Torah or it's just purely because of our own stupidity. They don't see that maybe this season of hardship has been so that God can test our hearts, teach us about His covenant and the weightier matters of Torah, and to refine who we are as human beings. Everyone in the Bible has been through hard times. Really hard times. It's the only way that character is built. I think some people think that once you're a Christian, Yeshua is just your free ticket to a smooth sailing life. Well, from my experience, before the good times come you have to go through some pretty damn hard times first. Perfect example of this is in the movie called the Ultimate Gift. I kind of see my life so far like that. God sending me different situations to test my strength and courage and to change my perspective on life and what's truly important in the long run.
It's been 3 years of hardships. Just one thing after another. It gets exhausting, trust me. When you go through 3 years of no income, family fighting, and times of incredible stress you wonder if good times will ever come. But through these past few years God has faithfully been whispering encouraging words to us be it through other people, dreams or through the Torah portion each week. He kept telling us that He's with us, that' He's going to provide a river in the desert, and that this is all part of His plans for us. When you're in the midst of trials it's easy to give up and think that God has abandoned you 'cause when God stretches you, He doesn't do it gently and because He's a good God, His methods and reasons for doing something invades every area of your selfish lifestyle. We are selfish. We want a selfish life and that's the opposite of what God wants for us. So a lot of the time we can stamp our feet and cry because we don't like what He's doing. And since that our initial reaction He works on that. Ever heard that when you get squeezed your true self comes out? Yeah, and it can get ugly.
 God says that He will refine us like gold is refined so i decided to Google how exactly gold is refined. It gets heated to a very hot temperature until all impurities are removed ..... damn.
So i guess that's what has been happening to me and my family: heated to a very hot temperature until all impurities are removed.

Currently we all are bunking with my grandmother in her tiny little flat. Some of us are on the couch and some of us are on the floor. Lets just say that with some other problems, the living conditions are less than glamorous. But when you've been homeless twice you start to fully understand why God stresses the fact that we need to care for the needy. When everything's safe and peachy in your life the natural human instinct is to care all about you and to detach yourself from other people's problems, so God sometimes takes drastic measures and strips you of everything and puts you in their shoes that then you can finally understand why it is so important.

We have no job, home or car of our own ... until recently. The number 3 in the Bible is the number of completion. Yeshua in the tomb for 3 days, Jonah in the whale for 3 days, Joseph in prison for 3 years etc.. Mark stopped flying on the 2nd of October 2011, and now God has provided a job for Mark in Botswana which he starts on the 1st of October 2014. Exactly 3 years apart. Mark jokes that overnight he has become second in command ... in an airplane, lol.

About a year ago we sold our car 'cause we needed the money. My perpetually grumpy grandfather has been driving us around which can really bring a person down because of the constant complaining and disrespect. But joy of joys on Friday God provided for us our very own car!!! I was so amazed and so ecstatic especially how it all came about. We can so easily take for granted a simple car when we've had one for our whole life but when it gets stripped away from you, you realize what a true blessing a simple car can be. Yes, God has stripped away but just like Job, God stripped everything away to test his heart but then at the end God restored everything plus more. I truly believe that just like the physical winter is over so is our spiritual winter. Our car used to be a rusty old Toyota Taz but God has given us a Mercedes-Benz C280. It's not a very modern car but it has a nice interior and a radio along with air-con which is a huge help in the African summer. The winter season is a hard season but at the same time winter is essential because it destroys all the germs that would increase if life was a perpetual summer.

God is restoring and I feel like some life has been breathed into me that has given me strength to keep conquering the battles that we still have to face. But it looks like good times are on the horizon.

BARUCH HASHEM!!!!

When i sat in that car i felt like i was on top of the world. I couldn't stop smiling and thanking God. With the sun shining, the radio turned up and some white rum later to celebrate, life felt gooooood!

More Lessons Well Learned

In one of my previous blog post i wrote about the lessons that i've been learning during this hard time in my life. Well, i've learnt some more that i'd like to share with you guys.

1: Don't get attached to earthly belongings.
I know that this is the normal 'Christian' thing to say. Don't store up earthly belongings, store up treasures in heaven, etc. Well, it's not about that. My life hasn't been stable lately and i actually prefer my life like this. Constantly moving, constantly learning. And through this i've learned to not get attached to any area or any belongings, besides your real personal things. 'Cause i never know when i'll lose it all. That happened a few weeks ago. We gave away all our furniture, it was unplanned but it was necessary and something that i knew God wanted us to do.
So don't get attached 'cause you never know if you can lose it all the next day.

2: Admit it when you're feeling weak.
Wanting to be a warrior and wanting to be strong and all that jazz is great but you can become so obsessed with being strong that you don't give yourself room to feel. I hate weakness and cowardice, it's the one trait that i detest (to an extent), so when i detect any form of weakness in myself i get a little worried and try to push it away. But sometimes, admitting that you're feeling a little weak at a certain point in your life, can also be strength. It takes strength to humble yourself before God and some one else and admit that you're not handling life too well.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Yeshua's power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Yeshua’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

3: Help the needy.

Deuteronomy 15:11 - For the poor shall never cease out of the land: therefore I command you, saying, You shall open your hand wide unto your brother, to your poor, and to your needy, in your land.

Proverbs 19:17 - He that has pity upon the poor lends unto YHVH; and that which he hath given will He pay him again.

Most people when they read these verses think that the 'needy' are only starving children in third world countries. But that's not true. A needy person can be your next door neighbour. We need to help our own first before we help other people and i find it pretty hypocritical when people send money to 3rd world orphanages but they can't go out of there way to help a person next to them. It's a commandment to take care of one another. I've learned all about this in Ryan White's teaching on Justice and Righteousness. Helping those in need is a huge deal in God's eyes and if you turn a blind eye to those who are needing help and you are able to help, then God's judgement will come down on you.
Just the other day we were needing help and this Christian man was able to help us but he wouldn't. We needed a place to stay and he had a place but he wouldn't let us stay because he and everybody else in his family were going on holiday. I was so mad .... so mad. He was putting more importance on his stupid holiday than on helping a family who was in need. But now on Sunday he will go and sit in church and praise God.
That's why i struggle with Christians. So many of them are so damn hypocritical.

I am learning so much and one day when i am able to help other people, i want to go out of my way to help my fellow man. I want to cancel a holiday if i can help a family who needs food and a roof over their heads and not put my silly needs first. Is it better to help a family get back on their feet by offering your home to them? Or to be selfish and go and chill on a beach with a drink in your hand?

Lessons Well Learned

The past few weeks have been super hectic, super strenuous, super tense and super stressful. God's plans are rarely ever our plans and that was once again proven these past few weeks. If future plans are running too smoothly, something's wrong.

God usually takes you on a roller coaster ride that you did not foresee ... or want but later on you realize that that was the best thing to happen to you 'cause you've grown as a person and God has taught you some pretty valuable lessons.
I won't go into my story right now ... maybe later on but right now i'm going to share with you the lessons i've learnt from this hard hard time.

1: When people get squeezed their true nature comes out. 
During this time a lot of people around us have been squeezed and pushed to the very limit and it's interesting to see the different reactions from different people. Is it weakness? Or strength? Do you start blaming other people, making them feel lesser as a person? Or do you, even though it's tough, show kindness to other people and encourage them that all's going to be ok? Does bitterness or love pour out of you? Do you draw closer to God and see this as part of His plan? Or do you grow hard and start resenting Him?
I've been the witness of seeing some people during this time spew out bitterness and hate and other people pouring out love and kindness. It's amazing.
You need to make sure that even though you get pushed to the point where you feel you can't carry on, you grow from your experiences and when you come out the other side, you're a better, stronger person.

2: Idolizing the Jews is a dead end street.
I know a lot of people when they start following the Torah tend to look up at the Jews a little too much. Of course you'll admire them a little but when you become obsessed with wanting to be just like them and then later on convert to Judaism, you know you've gone too far. God really opened my eyes to this 'cause i was starting to get depressed because i thought the Jews were more special than me and had some sort of special connection to God but it's not true. They have the foundation, the Torah but even with that they've added so many fences that following the Torah no longer becomes a way for you to draw closer to YHVH but just a set of rules and laws that you do simply because you're born Jewish. When Yeshua is out of the picture a lot of things change. I read the Rabbi's Daughter and that opened my eyes to Chasidic Judaism.
*NOTE: The Rabbi's Daughter is a very graphic book so please take care if you are interested in reading it.

3: Will you trust God no matter what?
Even when it looks like He's abandoned you? Will you still hold onto Him and never let go?
YES! Don't let anything separate you from God.

4: No matter what always remember who you are and who God wants you to be.
A lot of people will judge you if you're different. If you go against the mould. If you think for yourself. If you question things. They'll judge your relationship with God, they'll look down on you. You just have to ignore those people, study the Word of God and see the difference between what's written in there and what's other people's opinions. Know who God made you to be and stick with that.

5: Not everyone sees you the way you see yourself.
I've struggled with major self-worth/self-confidence issues in my life. I'm a very quiet, introverted person and other people never fail to remind me of that fact. It gets really irritating because i hear it all the time. So in my mind i feel like people get irritated with me 'cause i'm not like my older brother who's very charismatic and extroverted. So whenever i meet people i keep my distance 'cause i don't need another person to tell me that i'm shy and quiet. But the other day my mom went to the hairdresser for a free blow and cut. The woman who always does my mom's hair is a good acquaintance of ours. We've gotten together a few times. Of course i wasn't actively a part of our get together's, I always sit and listen and observe always thinking that no one thinks anything of me. But when my mom was at the hairdresser and i was stuck at home with my allergies flaring up the hairdresser told my mom of how, even though i'm quiet, i strike her as some one who's strong, quietly strong. She says my quietness is strength.
That took me by surprise and made me realize that other people see me differently than the way i view myself.

6: Don't plan too far into the future.
Take one day at a time. Since i'm going to be 19 soon i thought that i will have to start making plans for my future. Obviously getting married and starting a family is at the top of my list but only God knows when that will happen and i can't sit around waiting for that day for years. I have to start doing something with my life. So a lot of things were running through my mind of what i could possibly do or study. The 2 things that i was leaning towards were going to tie me down for 3-4 years. I was all excited at first but then after a while i started feeling very uneasy and nervous about tying myself down like that for 4 years since my life hasn't exactly been very stable.
So i'm just going to have to continue praying about this and if God really wants me to do this specific thing then He's going to have to tell me loud and clear but my plans aren't always His plans. It's God's will that will ultimately prevail if you truly follow Him.

7: Brave men don't panic in the face of danger.
A quote from a book i was reading. When things start turning too fast, don't panic, be brave.

8: Always remember God's promises.

And then just a really frivolous one -

9: Learn now, for *the* final time, to not eat things that you are allergic to.
I'm lactose intolerant. I can eat butter but other dairy products if i eat too much of it my nose gets blocked and if i carry on eating dairy products things get worse. But now my body has told me that it now doesn't like the best mayo in the world, Hellmans. I just woke up yesterday feeling cold all over, i had sore throat, a massive headache and whenever i stood up i felt nauseous and faint. Who knew mayo could do this? But i took some allergy medication that a friend gave me, little did i know that it would knock me out till the next morning. I never take strong medication so my body obviously just KOed. But i woke up this morning feeling a lot better except for my neck muscles being in utter pain right now that i can't turn my head properly.
*sigh*. I never learn. But c'mon, dairy is awesome. Yoghurt, cheese, milk ... it's hard to say no to all of that good stuff.

New Piercing//Dreadlock Update

About 3 weeks ago i got my eyebrow pierced. It's so awesome i love it so much.

Why did i get it?

 'Cause i like it and i wanted it.

 It wasn't actually painful at all, seriously, i hardly felt it. My nose ring hurt more and it didn't even sting, just a slight pressure feeling and that was it. I was so incredibly nervous before i got it done that i was contemplating not getting it at all. I got it done horizontally instead of the popular vertical angle 'cause the horizontal looks more feminine to me. The vertical looks more masculine and punky and i didn't want that. I like looking different and unique but at the same time i still want to look like a normal human being and not some tacky, cheap weirdo.
My mom loves it too.

I don't have a lot of piercings. Just an eyebrow, nose and double ear lobe. I'm not a huge fan of my ear piercings. They just seen so dull so in the future i might get different ones done. In more rare, different places. Like a rook or tragus.

Anyway, now for my dreadlocks. I've had them for about 3 months now and they're forming quite nicely. My hair's quite thin (i don't know if naturally or if it's from the bleaching i used to do) so i do add a few clip in pieces to add more thickness. I hate the look of thin dreads. 

I don't put too many beads in. I don't like having a lot of colourful beads in my hair so i opt for the more neutral colours. I don't buy any special dreadlock beads 'cause they can be pricey so i buy beads from bead shops and then i sometimes take the beads off of some of my bracelets, make the hole bigger with a knife and then slide it on. Cool huh?

Some people judge me because of my appearance. I'm not 'set-apart' enough looking or i'm not very feminine because i don't wear skirts all the time and i just happen to like wearing a bit of makeup. I know who i am. I spent 4 years trying to be some one that i'm not. I was into the long skirts, no makeup, headcovering stage and it's great for some people. It's not a commandment by YHVH to dress a certain way. Modesty is important, not for guys but for yourselves. To respect yourself and show the world that you are different. 

God made me this way. He made me the tomboy/bohemian person that i am who likes to look different to everyone else. I don't have be accepted by anyone for God to accept me. Man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart. He knows my heart. He knows how much i want to be His warrior and to please Him. He knows how much i love His Word. And that's enough.

It's not about measuring up to other people's standards.

So hate me, love me. 

I'm me.

Moving Again!

So, at the end of this month we'll be moving again. Things are at crunch time right now as we still don't have a deposit down on a house yet and we practically have a week left to get everything sorted.
The past few weeks my mom and i sat down and have been searching for homes and out of the whole of Joburg only 3 homes were available when we needed it and had the right amount of rooms and space.

Today we went looking at the homes. We started off with one that was very nice inside but was in a not so kosher area. We arrived earlier than the estate agent so i stepped out of the car to see what the house from the outside looked like. It looked a little creepy, lol. The walls painted red with the roof all dark and birds sitting on the roof. Ever since i was little i always imagined haunted houses with birds perched on the roofs. Walking inside was even more creepy. The kitchen was very nicely done, all sunny and white but walk into the other room and everything goes dark. Most of the house was decorated with dark wood and even the stairs leading to the upper part of the house was dark and creaky. It was cold and echoey. It was also pretty big and we wouldn't have the furniture to fill it all so i can just imagine at night with the wind howling (we wouldn't have enough curtains to cover all the windows) and floors creaking ...... nooooooo. Even my mom was a little freaked out. I was just chuckling towards the end 'cause my mom and i were thinking of how my older, yes OLDER, brother would cope with living in a house like this. He plays spooky, scary video games and i've had a few good times giving him frights, intentional and unintentional. One night he opened his door just as i was about to knock so i had my fist in the air and when he saw me in the dark room he freaked out, swore and stumbled onto his bed. I couldn't stop laughing after that. You know that laughter when you struggle to breath? Yeah, lol. I needed that.
So, obviously, we weren't too keen on that house.

Onto the next one.

The second house was in a complex ... very Jewish area which i like 'cause Jewish areas always seem safe and clean. The Realtor was all friendly with us 'cause as we all know, Jews are extra friendly to fellow Jews and even though we aren't Jewish, he thought we were due to my mom's Hebrew name, Shoshannah. We all loved that house. We just know that that one is 'the one'. We tried to see it sooner but just were never able to and when the Realtor said he had 8 other people interested, we kinda gave up hope. But my mom's heart was really set on that house so she prayed that if those 8 people aren't interested then she'll know it's the house that God wants us to be in. And low and behold, 8 people saw it and 8 people didn't want it.
I loved that house due to the double story design (i've always wanted to live in a double story house) and the huge windows letting the wonderful sun in. The rooms were a nice size too, the master bedroom had a huge walk in closet and balcony, pretty awesome. It's also a few blocks from the King David Shul.

The 3rd house was also in a very Jewish, boomed off area. Nice house but very very cold due to the tiles that are in every.single.room. Who does that? What's so cozy about tiles in the bedrooms? Ugh.
So it was a cross for that one too.

It seems like the townhouse is the one for us. I'm super excited to move to a different area, different surroundings, different people, different malls. Different.

We'll probably stay in this house 6 months to a year and then after that we'll have to see. I'm just praying that God will draw me closer to Him as i'm still trying to deal with a lot of mental issues and depression. But i know one day this will all disappear. God will give me what i need in His timing. I just need to keep renewing my mind.

I wanted to do a video for my YT channel and i had one recorded but then our internet went down and when i watched my video over i realized that i didn't say everything that i wanted to. This next week will probably be busy and i don't know when i'll be able to upload another video. It might be a few weeks as we'll have to get the internet set up in our new house and i don't know how long that will take.

I hope everyone has a great day and a great Shavuot soon.

Shalom
xoxo

The Hair Journey

My hair has been through quite a lot these past few years. I don't regret experimenting with it. I quite enjoy

it. I was looking through pictures on my computer and it's interesting to see what different colours and styles my hair has been through.

***

This is my natural hair colour. Ashy brown. I was about 14 in this picture.

This was the first time i changed my hair colour. I went to the hairdresser for a semi-permanent chocolate brown. I so badly wanted dark hair and voila. I loved it. I was 15.

Then i did the most stupid thing ever and that was listening to my older brother for advice on my hair. He loves short hair on women so i chopped off my looooong hair to my shoulders. I bitterly regret ever doing that ... but, oh well. This was on my 16th birthday and those are my grandparents.

This picture i laugh at every time i look at it. I can't believe i wore that outfit, lol. But here i went for a perm because i wanted my natural curly hair back. Perms don't give the same look though as you can clearly see, lol. I was 16.

Then i got highlights put in. Light hair isn't the best thing on me but i liked it back then. I just hated my short hair.

I went back to brown when we moved. This was when i was 17 and got my nose pierced. I don't have my stud in anymore but i'm thinking of getting it done again. This was a messy home job as you can see my roots are lighter than my ends, lol. 

Then i went red. The deep red looked better than ...

... the lighter red. Ugh ... this is just sad. What did i do to my eyebrows? Eish, lol.

BUT, oh, look at that adorable baby boy right there. He's truly scrumptious. 

Buuuuuut ... after a year of having red hair i wanted a change so i wanted to try and get a blonde ombre look going. Didn't go quite according to plan ....

Now i'm 18 years old and am back to dark brown. It suits me better than all the other colours me thinks.

And as i've written in my previous blog post i put some dreadlocks in my hair. It took 4 days 'cause i added extensions but i really really love my hair now and i'm now 99.9% sure i won't be messing with my colour again, lol. 

I got some beads in too which is awesome. I love my hair now!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I might do a post on my dreadlocks some time in the future as i know there are some popular misconceptions about them.

Words Kill

I feel like i'm going to burst!

Some people just don't understand the importance of words. Even if you're joking, the words you speak can slowly kill some one else. Every time you say a negative thing a part of that person wilts away. 

At least that's how i feel. And it seems like everyday that happens. But lately it seems to happen more often. Why? Don't know.

Growing up my own father would make fun of me. Great confidence booster right there. He always compares me to other girls. The other night i went out to dinner with him and he was telling me that i never call him or spend time with him and he then proceeded to compare me to an 8 year old who just loooves her 'daddy' and *she* calls *him*. He tells my mom how these other kids are going to be lawyers in 2 years and they're only 20 years old. 

For years i had to put up with my father telling me i'm an old granny and looking at how i dressed like i was some freak. 

My grandfather didn't think before he told me that i have a huge face or that i must watch what i eat, "you eat too much" he used to tell me. I like to sleep with a light on at night 'cause my room is extremely dark and i like to see my surroundings. "I see the next door neighbours like doing that as well ... i don't know what's wrong with you people". His tone held disgust. Was that really necessary? 

Yeah, i have insecurity issues but i'm pretty sure a lot of that would go away if i can go one day without my brother making fun of that. Rubbing salt in my wounds. Joking about my 'layers' of fat and how weak i am. If it's not one thing it's another. He says he's joking. 

That's not a funny joke. 

When i speak up and tell him to stop that he says 'hogwash' and keeps going. I say one thing wrong or i fight his fire with my fire 'cause some days i can't take his crap anymore he looses his temper and says i make him want to hit me.

Thanks bro.

That means a lot. 

Or when i get home from shopping with my mom and Mark has this great big smile on his face and runs to my mom and tells her how much she's missed. I don't mind that, i think it's sweet but don't a few seconds later in a meek voice tell me i was missed too 'cause i know i'm not. 

Instead i get told that i should've choked longer when i swallowed wrong ... in the name of joking.

I get laughed at when i want to pursue something. Yeah, i'm not the greatest at maths but i don't need to be laughed at when i'm trying my best. I feel great when Mark says i'm intelligent but then that light grows dimmer as i hear my brother laugh and go, "her? Intelligent?".

I'm always the 2nd thought. The one who is the last to be introduced. The one who doesn't get mentioned in phone calls but Sebastian does. 

I guess some people just don't realize that everyday when i wake up and hear these things a part of me dies. 

Sometimes i think i'm unlovable. Am i really that bad ... that ugly ... that unacceptable? 

Will anyone ever love me for who i am? 

I don't know.

I hope so, anyway!

So as you go through your day, watch what you say. Be sensitive to other people's feelings and always think before you speak and think how your words will affect the other person.

HEAL don't HURT

I Don't Want to be a Businesswoman

Backtrack a few hundred years ago and all women did in life was get married at a young age and have lots of children. Then feminism came in and a lot more doors were open to women. They could now choose which path they wanted to be on.

The enemy is the ruler of this earth and so what does he try to do? He comes to kill and destroy. And that also means he tries to get rid of the natural order of life. God made a man and woman to come together in marriage because we complete one another and form the whole image of God. But what has the enemy done? He pushes homosexuality and now it's rampant. Just a few years ago it was seen as an offense but now it's an offense to say that you're against it. God created the woman to be a help meet for her husband but now you see women dropping their kids off at daycare and marriages burning up in flames.
Now, the new trend is not to get married at all. Sure, live together, have children ... but marriage? It's so unnecessary because most marriages end in divorce anyway.

The culture's message to everyone living on this planet is to get a high-end job to make lots of money and to 'make it far in life'. Since that's the man's role in life, to be the provider and to be the one with the good job, women try ever so hard to be like a man in order to be 'worthy'.

But what happened to being a wife and mom? That's somehow seen as a lesser job and not nearly as worthy as being a doctor or a businessman. I don't understand why! I look at my baby brother and i can't imagine giving up a life of being able to be a mom and a wife in the future, and to be surrounded with family to simply waste away by sitting in an office all day making lots of money just so i can pay my bills and have enough money to take a yearly holiday to the beach and to do something fun on the weekends.

I saw my dad the other night. He thinks just like everyone else does in this world and it's hard for me to relate when my dreams for the future will seem 'petty' to him. You're not reaching your full potential and you're wasting your life if you get married young. But that's what i want. I want to get married young 'cause i don't see how it can be a cage. You have the opportunity to spend the rest of your life with your best friend. Why on earth would you pass that up?

I hate the way the culture depicts marriage to be some last resort in life. You're somehow losing your freedom if you get married.

So yeah, it may look like i'm wasting my life by wanting to be a wife and to be a loving, supportive help meet for my future husband. I do want to cook meals for him, i do want to snuggle up on the couch at night while watching a movie with him, i want to serve God together with him ... why would i choose to live life by myself?

I look at 2 people that i know who are the same age but their lives are so different. The one is single, went to a university, she's traveled everywhere and she spends her evening with friends, drinking.
The other woman is married, has several children and spends her day raising and teaching her kids and being a help meet for her husband.

I see the emptiness of life for the one and a full life for the other one and i realize that i want the life of the latter woman.
Occasionally when i'm in the mall i see a young couple, early twenties and they have this newborn baby and i can't help but smile whenever i see that. It's so sweet. I remember this one time when my mom was paying there was a woman at the counter next to us and i couldn't stop staring. She was so beautiful. She was wearing such a pretty outfit with a long skirt and her hair in pretty, natural waves but she had this newborn baby in these cute slings you get nowadays that wraps itself snugly around the mom, but she had this permanent smile on her face and i couldn't stop thinking how happy and beautiful she looked.

How could someone think that taking care of a family is a burden?

So it may seem like i have no ambition in life but i just to be the woman that God made me to be. Not to be a slave to my future husband but to be his help meet. So i pray everyday that God will make me into the woman that he will need. The kind of woman who stands beside him and supports him and pushes him to seek a deeper relationship with YHVH!  And i want him to do the same thing for me.

Because i'm quite happy spending the rest of my life with my best friend in a small, cute home.

Let Go

This song i really needed to hear!

The lyrics are so pertinent to me and i think God is gently nudging me toward the right direction even though it hurts and is so hard .... and yet .... it's so simple.

Let me give you a bit of a background on my life:

Growing up i was relatively happy. When you're young and naive you don't really pay attention to the real world. My days were filled with school and extra activities such as dancing, acting, and music. I was never the girl who had loads of friends. When i was at my lessons i would talk to the girls there but they would never come over to my house. I only had 2 'true' (i use that term lightly now) friends back then.

But when i turned 13 my life changed. Things got more tense at home. My parents were fighting more and my friends grew more distant. When i was 15 my parents got a divorce but during those 2 years of the arguing and the tears I grew more reserved. I was trying to handle this new found faith in God, learning about the Torah and trying to deal with my own father making fun of me at the same time.
I thought something was wrong with me and so i grew this immense self-hatred toward myself. I felt like i was a mistake and shouldn't be here since this time my friends didn't seem to care and so i felt alone.

My mom got remarried when i was 15. She stayed in Alaska for 3 months with Mark, trying to sort things out over there but during those 3 months i was in charge of the house. My dad was also traveling overseas.  He would deposit money into my bank account, just enough to buy food for the weeks. But i had to cook and clean and make sure the house was in order.
For a 15 year old dealing with a lot of emotions that was a lot of work.
But at the same time God was showing me so much in His Word.
In my family on my dad's side when you're 18 you get the Lee signet ring. My brother's very proud of his ring but to me it's just a ring although i was very proud to get it at only 16. I wore my ring the next day in the mall. I went to the bathrooms and as i was walking back to my grandmother i noticed i didn't have my ring on. I panicked and ran all the way back to the bathrooms which was on the other side of the mall. While i was running the verse in Psalm 45 popped into my head. "Forget your father's house". As i got to the stall i saw that my ring was gone.
Yeah ... a God-Thing!

When my mom came back i was such an emotional wreck i didn't know how to cope.
We moved around a lot after that. Staying a few months here, 1 night there etc. During that time i was battling with an addiction that maybe one day in the future i'll have the courage to speak about.

I told my dad goodbye and didn't speak to him for a year.

The house we're staying in now we've been in for over a year and God has really used this time to heal me from my past. I'm in contact with my dad again although we rarely speak. In a year i've seen him twice and yes ... he blames me for that.

But that Psalm 45 verse is still rolling around in my head. I get frustrated that my own biological dad doesn't make more of an effort but then i think .... how can i be angry? God warned me this would happen. And you know what's so amazing about Him? He's made it easy for me to do just that. I haven't had to tell my family members on my dad's side i must "forget" them. I'm pretty sure they've forgotten me.  I can see it two ways.

 1: My family really doesn't care about me and i was a fool to ever think that.
2: God is protecting me from any more emotional pain and so He's causing them to drift away in order to teach me and make me draw closer to Him.

The only thing that really hurts is the letting go part. I'm a sensitive person and grow attached a little to easily to some people. If your words tell me you love me and care about me and for a while it looks like your actions line up ... well, then, i'm a goner. But break that trust i now have in you and you probably won't get it back too easily. I will act all tough but inside i'm still soft and still attached to you and struggling to let go. I now see that in my past i cared more for the opposite person than they did for me. So i gave them my heart and they threw it back.

So this past year i've been praying very specifically. I believe in specific prayer! This year has been a major healing year for me. A preparation year for the life God has in store for me. I asked God to make my 18th year the year where *my* life begins. Not the life that's hitched to some one else's wagon. But that i'll be free for God to use me.

So i believe my life is finally starting. I wrote in one of  my previous posts of me hopefully going to Israel next year. At first i thought it was just me but now i truly believe God wants me to go somewhere. Some place where He can speak to me in a powerful way and where i can take the first step.

On a Shabbat my family and i listen to a teacher; Rico Cortez. He's amazing and actually a descendant of Aaron. A few months ago he spoke of the Rites of Passage. Everyone in the Bible went through it.

I can see how my life has lined up with this and how this past year God has taken me away from everything i've ever known. A place where there have been loads of trials (and there still are major trials). We're at this point where we're trusting God for everything and i mean EVERYTHING! 

13-16 years old: Rites of Separation.

16 -17 years old: Rites of Transition.

And i'm just praying that i will finally be 'incorporated' and ready to do His work in this world now.

I have 2 destinations in my mind right now of where God might want me to travel to. I've been praying about it and i can't help but feel this immense peace when i think of the one destination and a little doubt when i think of the other. There's a little bit of fear for the one and a little bit of 'security' for the other. 

One teaching by Jim Staley, he said that you should always go down the path you're most afraid of. God hasn't given us a spirit of fear and we must be fearless when living for His name. God rarely asks us to walk down the path that offers 'security' and 'comfort'. Rather i find He takes you to the end of your comfort zone ... the place, where naturally, you're most afraid, so that we can learn to not give into fear.

I'm still praying about this and will wait till the end of October - mid November to really make a decision and to walk out in faith.

The theme of my blog is all about being strong and being a warrior for God. My whole life i've been the softy who never speaks and the one who lets people ride all over but God is training my fingers for war and hardening me to difficulties so that i can truly be His warrior. 

Both trips are a bit scary since i'm traveling alone but there's this one i'm most afraid of more ... an end-of-comfort-zone fear and i think ...

 God's asking me to take His hand and walk with Him on those waves and let yesterday burn in the fire ...

and to finally LET GO!