Change

When i went out with my dad last night for my birthday he told me that you know if you're having a healthy change in your life when it's a slow process. You don't swing from one end of the pendulum to the next in a heartbeat. That got me thinking of the changes that have happened in my life throughout the past few years. It's obvious on my blog and Facebook that i've changed a lot and am continually changing. It's a journey but sometimes i sit and wonder if maybe i'm going way too far with my changing and want to be different from other people around me. People are quick to judge me based on my appearance and sometimes it does get a bit overwhelming so i get thinking. But last night while i was sipping my cocktail at the restaurant i thought of my life the past few years. The thing about people when they are so quick to judge me is that they don't know about my life. They don't know small details of what it was like living with an abusive dad, having to deal with rejection from a lot of people in my life, they don't know the mental struggles that i've been through while my parents were getting divorced. A lot of people don't know what it's like to be homeless and having to sell a lot of your possessions just to buy food (that situation is improving a lot BTW). They don't know me. But they think they do. They think i'm some crazy girl who is giving into my fleshly lusts and am following the pattern of this world. Compared to how i used to be, yeah, i guess it can look like that.
My physical change is just a sign of the change that is happening on the inside. When i look at old pictures i see a big change and i can now see how when i changed my hair or my dress style or whatever it was kind of a 'sign' of what was going on on the inside.
These are some of the pictures I found (excuse the poor quality in some photos) ...

This is when it all started. I started dressing more modestly even though i was never an immodest girl. But here i started wearing skirts all the time. I was somewhere between 13 and 14.

Here i think i'm 14 and this is when i started wearing head coverings. Can't believe how long my hair was, lol.

My skirt and top length also slowly started getting longer.

Then i started wearing my hair up all the time. I started thinking that it was bad to wear my hair down.

My outfits also got less feminine and 'attention drawing'.

Then i started wearing full head coverings, covering my hair 'n all. Still 14 here. 

I never wore skirts above my ankles or tops above my elbow or below my collar bone. Layers layers layers. It was hellish in summer! I was also wearing the tzitzit.

When i was 15 and my parents got divorced and i started spiraling down my dark path of mental issues i distanced myself away from the internet. I got rid of the head covering. I wear them on special occasions and when i have my quiet time. I still believe that God was leading me to wear the head coverings and skirts and all that but it was only for a season. Also when i started dressing that way it was when my father was really abusive and family drama was flying out the window and i felt myself shrinking away. Me covering myself up so much was probably because on the inside i felt like i needed to protect myself.  

I also started wearing pants 'cause wearing skirts became more impractical. Here i was visiting my extended family while my mom was in Alaska and my cousins decided to dress me up like a tree. 15 here.

When my mom got back from Alaska and we started moving around a lot i was still an emotional wreck and stopped speaking to my dad. I cut my hair, got a fringe and put some highlights in. I was also reading a lot of Leslie Ludy's books and i wanted to dress like her. In a very feminine, girly way. 16 here.

A bit too much pink makeup? Yeah, lol.

I then dyed my hair red ........ a really bad red for my skin tone, lol. Don't even ask about my eyebrows. I have pretty thick, dark eyebrows that i used to pluck but here i guess i felt the need to really really lighten them to match my red hair. Wow ... lol. 17 here and got my nose pierced for the first time.

Still wearing skirts a lot.

Got into my rag curl stage, lol. I don't have thick hair and i wanted thick, curly hair.

Then Taylor Swift's Red album came out and i looooved her style. Tried to mimic it of course. Here a lot of healing was happening in my life. I was studying the Torah through Rico Cortez and Ryan White. Changed my life and whole perspective on God's Word.

Tried to get Taylor Swift's hair do too. 18 here.

 Winter you only care about warmth and comfort. I dyed my hair a darker red and started getting eyebrows again, lol. Also took my nose ring out.

Went back to brown hair colour. My intention was to grow my natural hair colour back. Pierced my nose a second time. Getting my eyebrows back (i stopped plucking them), yaaay.

Then something snapped inside of me. I realized that i've always tried to be like someone else, dress like someone else, act like someone else. I didn't want to be me and therefore i was miserable. God created us all a unique way, we're all different from one another and when you try to squelch who you are, you are going to be depressed and have many 'freak out' moments. Still 18. I decided to take a moment and do what i wanted to do. Dress the way i wanted to dress even if i felt 'bad' doing it because it went against what i've always been taught. But later on a realized that the things that Christianity emphasizes a lot, smoking, drinking, piercings, tattoos, 'unfeminine' style for women were petty things to focus on. So i got dreadlocks! 

Eyebrow piercing. (I only had this for about 3 months).

I wore what i wanted to wear and ignored those feelings of condemnation. It was also about me being who i was personality wise not only dress wise. When your rejected a lot feelings can grow inside that tell you that people reject you 'cause you're not a nice person so it's best to change. But that's wrong on so many levels. So i was trying to own up to being me and ignored people's opinions.

I dyed my hair purple.

But i went back to red, lol. I love red but this time it's a deeper red so i can keep my eyebrows :D. Started becoming a lot happier 'cause i was healing and cleaning out my system of the past.

I realized that yeah, i love jewelry and a more bohemian and grunge style to the very feminine, florals and skirts style. I can't wear skirts anymore (sometimes i do if the style is nice) because it just reminds me of how my life was and what i struggled with. When i put on a skirt the overwhelming feeling of depression comes over me and i don't want to be reminded of what i struggled with in my mind. It's a part of my life that i had to heal from and i have.

19.

I also don't believe in strict modesty anymore. I don't flash myself around but i don't see anything wrong with wearing shorts above the knee or tops showing my upper arm. Modesty made me feel ashamed about my body.

And of course my recent addition, my tattoo. 

I've overcome and conquered a lot of things in my life. I feel like i've been through hell but i know that God was with me every step of the way, using the bad for a good. I'm a completely different person. I'm a stronger person. The only way you can change as a person and grow in character is to grow through hardships and i don't see my mistakes or down moments in life as bad. I see how God used it to mould me into His warrior and to teach me valuable lessons. I wouldn't go back and change a thing even if i could. My life hasn't been peachy and i can't wait for better moments to come when i can see my family happy but i don't hate what i've been through. I am a much happier person now that i feel like i can be me even if it irks people.

8 Months of Dreads

My dreads turn 8 months today. Nothing really new except i think that they have gotten longer. I really hope the shrinking and tightening stage is over so that they can start getting longer in length 'cause i want to take these extensions out but my hair is too short without them and i hate the look of short dreads!

They are getting very thick by the roots so that's good. And when i say thick i mean THICK. Maybe a little too thick.

I've added a few extra beads too. See those cream ones? Yeah. Thanks to my dog getting his claw stuck on my beaded bracelet and therefore breaking it i was able to use those beads on my hair. So it actually worked out, lol.

In this bottom picture you see the short piece sticking out? That's a piece without an extension. They're still lumpy too.

I find it amazing how people are interested by my appearance. It shows how many young girls have dreads ... not that many. So i guess when people see me with 'rasta' hair they're a bit surprised since the desired hair style is soft 'n silky. But I truly feel that dreads match my personality more. Even my mom said that when we saw an old picture of myself without dreads.

Some people ask me if i smoke weed and yeah, i guess that's the stigma that comes with having dreads but i'm not going to get rid of them because of that. When i meet people I let them know who i am and what i stand for to clear the air. 

I am a lot happier though. Despite people feeling the need to tell me i'm a 'heathen' and that i can't possibly be close to God because of a nose ring or a hairstyle. Those people don't bug me anymore. In the past when i was trying to fit in and be like everyone else i was miserable and very insecure but now that i'm doing what makes me happy and expressing myself and being more confident in who i am i find myself laughing more and being able to be more chatty with strangers which never happened before. A lot of people notice a difference. When i meet new people some of them tell me how they like the fact that i'm different one guy told me that he doesn't understand why so many people are afraid of different.. I'm a 'free spirit' (in their own words) and i'm 'down to earth'. I like that. And since there are people out there who like me for me, it makes me happy.

I'm not a freak, i'm not a 'heathen'. I am a simple 18 (19 in 7 days yeah yeah) year old girl trying to figure things out. If i make mistakes don't judge me. Life is about learning and you won't get it right the first time. I refuse to follow a safe formula carved out by millions of others. 

I'm still healing from my past. You don't know what my eyes have seen, what my heart has felt or what my mind has thought. You don't know what my life is like that makes me do what i do. 

So when you see this face: put away judgmental and self-righteous attitudes. I may not be the perfect image of what a 'pure', 'set-apart' follower of YHVH looks like but i'm trying my utmost best to bring glory to God in my life and to care for people around me. Why don't you look past the hair, the piercings and the clothes and look at who i am underneath? Can you try that? Just maybe? 

Eowyn

Today I just finished watching Lord of the Rings. It's the second time that I've seen it but it's been several years since I've last seen it that I've pretty much forgotten the details minus the fact that there's a ring involved and it has to be destroyed. I have to say though that the 3rd DVD in the series has got to be my favourite. The character Eowyn really struck a chord for me and i loved watching her as she transformed from a maiden into a warrior fighting against Orcs and saving her father.

 Being a warrior or soldier to a lot of people is seen as only a mans role and that it's no place for women when it comes to battle but I disagree. Women are strong and though they may not be as strong as men (and there are roles that are strictly men's) that's no reason to discourage them to not have a passion for fighting against the bad guys.

My dream and passion in my heart is to one day join the IDF. Not right now obviously as it is a secular army but maybe one day if this is really of God my dream might come true. I cannot describe the feeling i get when i see anything remotely army related and sometimes i have no idea why and it confuses me. I've prayed for 4 years (I was around 15 when this desire started growing) that if this really isn't God's plan for me then He would take this desire away and plant something else in my heart that He has planned for me. But every year it gets stronger so i just have to wait and keep praying about this.

But of course, being a warrior isn't only about physically donning a gun and fighting against the bad guys. It first starts inside. With honour, integrity, and strength on a deep emotional, mental and spiritual level. It's first fighting for the right things in your life right now and protecting the vulnerable, being a voice for the voiceless, being the strength for the weak, giving food to the hungry, clothes to the naked and giving homes to the homeless. Whenever you see a hero in a movie you always see these traits as being the most important and that's where it all starts.

And maybe one day, like with Eowyn, when the world is at war i will be called to wear a green uniform and fight for God's country. Anything is possible!

Rebellious

You're taught that the word 'rebellious' is a bad word. But when you actually look at the meaning of it, you realize that it can be used 2 different ways:

REBEL: A person who rises in opposition or armed resistance against an established government or leader.

REBELLIOUS: Showing a desire to resist authority, control, or convention.

You can rebel against the authority of God and His Word.

Or you can rebel against the lies of this world and the enemy who is out to destroy us.

You can rise with resistance against him (the enemy), you can resist the authority and control that he has over this world and you can resist convention.


CONVENTION: a way in which something is usually done.

I don't want to do what everybody else is doing. I want to be a change. I want to be a voice, not an echo. We're taught and told all the time who we're supposed to be. Blend in, don't stand out. Don't stir the waters, just keep your mouth shut to keep the peace. I don't want to be like that. I want to be unconventional. I want to set a different pace.

AUTHORITY: The power or right to give orders, make decisions, and enforce obedience/control.

No one is my authority except for God. Many churches and congregations will teach that the elders/leaders and your husbands/fathers are your authority. But the fact that they're saying that these men should be able to 'control' and 'make decisions' for me just sounds wrong. I'm not talking about being a feminist towards your husband or father, obviously those men will have some form of 'authority' over you but when other men, like elders and leaders, tell me that they have the right to control me? No no no.

I will be a rebel. I will rebel against the norm and the lies that get pounded into me everyday.

Keep Calm? No thanks.

The Growth

I've changed a lot over the past few years and have overcome many obstacles and fears. 

One of them was other people's criticism of who i am. 

I've changed a lot. I'm always changing. God is continually moulding me into His warrior.

I'm a completely different person to who i was even 2 years ago.

Some people see my change as a bad thing but i see it as a good thing.

You're supposed to be changing, you're not supposed to be the same person you were a few years ago.

Before i didn't deal with people's criticism too well. I would freak out if i found out that some person doesn't like me so i would try to fit in in every way i could to make sure that everybody liked me.

It's exhausting, y'know.

But the past few months i've changed ... again.

Now i can confidently walk around and not care. Some may think that i've drawn away from God and am following my flesh but they don't know anything about me. 

Seriously? You want to judge me on the fact that i have dreadlocks? Or *gasp* an eyebrow/nose piercing? 

Go ahead.

But ...

I know that God loves me.

I know.

And i don't need your stamp of approval.

Don't let other people control you.

Follow God and His Torah.

That's all that matters.

Transformation

These past few weeks have been pretty hectic for me. I've been doing a lot of thinking and i feel like I'm changing. Well ... not changing, just being who i was before i was 14 and started being influenced by religious people. You might think, "You read the Bible, you follow God, of course you're religious". I don't like describing myself as religious because i don't like being controlled by a specific group of people telling me how to act and how to dress.
When i started following Torah, as I've said this many times before, i listened to people proclaiming that being plain and dull was the pure, set-apart way to be. Now physical appearance isn't extremely important but it is a factor. You express yourself through the way you dress, part of your personality is revealed through the way you dress.
My mom for example is a pure tomboy. Comfit and absolutely no florals or frills. And that's my mom's personality in a way showing through. She's not your typical 'Hebraic' mom who cooks and cleans. She's tough and speaks out and swims upstream, i guess. She questions other people's beliefs and a lot of people don't like that. She's not girly. She hates skirts. And that's OK.

I'm more complex. In my mind i created two roads i can walk down. One is the plain side where you dress like a nun etc. or if you want to dress a bit more creatively then you have to be in florals, lace and in soft, feminine colours. If you want to wear jewelry then it has to be very dainty.
With both these methods i felt thwarted. I felt like who i was being pushed aside. It wasn't only my creativity in my dress code but my personality was also changing.
I know that sounds crazy but it's true. I was feeling such turmoil and depression. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I didn't feel free. And since i felt this way i knew something was wrong and i needed to change. I didn't feel happy and my mom even told me that i didn't look happy.
Then i few days ago i was thinking about who i am. We're told in religion that women need to be soft and gentle and meek. But i'm not traditionally that way.
I needed to solve this problem so i was trying to think of what i was like before i was 13.

I was quite crazy. I didn't care about what my friends or what other people thought of me ( i miss that part of myself). I liked shocking people and looking different. Unconventional. I loved bracelets. I wore as many bracelets that i could find. Both my arms would be very decorative, lol. I liked clipping pink highlights in my hair. When Bridge to Terabithia came out i was in love with Anna-Sophia Robb's style.

I even bought long socks to cut so i could wear them over my arms like she did.

But then when i was 14 i was told that all this creativity was bad and not 'pure'.

For 5 years i was different. But now i feel like i'm breaking away from that. If people want to add and say that you have to dress a certain way to truly be a follower of God ... i don't listen. You can't judge a person's relationship with God based on if they're wearing pants or skirts. God doesn't define how we're supposed to dress. Obviously modesty is important and i'm not talking about Miley Cyrus self-expression. There are boundaries, of course. 

But within those boundaries there's room for self-expression and creativity.

Religious leaders have no right to tell you that you're unrighteous because of the way you dress. People in general have no right to say that certain items are immodest (I'm not talking about the obvious things). We are all different. Some plain. Some tomboyish. Some creative. Etc.

I just happen to fit into the Bohemian, creative fold and people can't judge me because of my appearance. I love crazy, wild fashion and that's OK. God made me this way and it would be cruel for Him to make me this way and then tell me to be the opposite. I'm not a meek woman. If something is bugging me or if a person is bugging me i will speak my mind. I will question. I will debate. If some one insults me i won't just sit there and do the "Christian" thing by just sitting and listening to it and not speaking up. I will step up and defend myself.

I don't like blending in. I've always wanted to stand out and not go with the flow. 

I love bracelets

I love takkies (especially converse)

I love cargo jackets

I love nose rings

I love earrings

I love mascara

I love beaded dreadlocks

I love nail polish (preferably red)

I love Indian pants

I love colour

I died my hair brown again
so this is what my hair looks
like now. (this isn't me).

These are a few things that i love. Obviously i don't wear all of this at the same time but it's what i love wearing. I don't always wear takkies or cargo jackets or Indian pants and i don't have a nose ring. But after 4 long days i finally have dreadlocks. It's a way for me to show people that i am who i am and i won't wear my 'normal' hair (which was exhausting to manage) just because i'm told that it's the desirable hair to have. It might not be silky but i can decorate it with beads which is more awesome in my opinion. My mom says she feels like i'm back. My funky, happy self. And i'm a lot happier for it.

Hate me, love me. Approve, don't approve. I don't care. I'm me and i feel more free the way i am now than i've ever felt before.