True Grit

Grit.

What does it mean? According to the dictionary it means:

Courage and resolve; strength of character.

I'm currently reading Bear Grylls' book True Grit. I just finished it the other day and am now reading his autobiography Mud, Sweat and Tears.
Bear Grylls truly inspires me. He's a man who explores, survives and continually grows in strength and never lets moments bring him down. He always rises above them and learns from them.
His True Grit book is full of stories from many different people out there in the world who were put in unbearable, unplanned situations but never let themselves be overcome with fear and they never gave up no matter what. They could be in the South Pole or climbing Mt. Everest watching their friends die before their eyes or unexpectantly losing most of their provisions, they still never gave up. They could be captured by the enemy and put in a concentration camp where they had to bear excruciating torture for months, sometimes years, they still never gave up even when they saw thousands dying around them. Or they were even forced to cut their own hand off or sacrifice their own lives for their friends.

What made them different to the others around them? Not physical strength. It was all mental and emotional strength that got them through. It's all in the mind, they never gave up, they forced themselves to never give up even when death seemed like the better option than bearing bleeding gums and maggots crawling all over their skin amongst other things.

They portrayed true grit. We can also look at the synonyms for the word grit:

Courage, courageousness, bravery, pluck (spirited and determined courage), mettle (a person's ability to cope well with difficulties; spirit and resilience), backbone, spirit, strength of character, strength of will, moral fibre, steel, nerve, gameness, valour, fortitude, toughness, hardiness, resolve, determination, resolution, stamina, doggedness, tenacity, perseverance, endurance, guts, spunk (courage and determination).

This is a making of a warrior. God needs people with a strength that can go against the enemy and crush his soldiers because God's soldiers are mentally and emotionally stronger. Your body can give up long before your mind will and in the end it's your mind that can push your body to limits that you never knew you had.

So many people today don't have true grit. They don't stand up during hard times and have a positive state of mind. Most of the time they let difficulties defeat them and in turn they never reach their full potential.
Remember that the enemy first attacks your mind. He knows that once he's in your mind he can have full control of your life so we need to keep our mental walls strong against him, recognize his lies of deceit and fight against it. God will test you. My word will He test you.

If you pray that God will train you to be His warrior. Wait and watch how He will take you to places that you never thought you'd go but He'll be right there beside you, training you, preparing you for battle, training you for war. Just today i felt like giving up. For so long i've had to be strong (my family always reminds me that through everything i've been the strongest), to stay positive and it's so easy to give up. When you've been tested for so long you get tired. So very tired. But the stories that i've read in True Grit kept niggling at me. If they can survive that, i can survive this.
To be God's warrior i need to be as strong as steel mentally before He starts training me physically. I believe that all the desires that i have in my heart are from God. I know that He's preparing me for something in the future. I don't see the picture now but i need to trust that through all the hardships, He's doing this all for my own good. Because He loves me and if i want to be used by Him in a big way then i need to give up the comforts of having a normal lifestyle.
I believe very strongly in my heart that one day i'm going to join the army. It's my desire, i have no passion for anything else in life. Some may think i'm crazy but i can't shake this feeling. I've tried, but it's too strong and grows stronger every year. I know that my prayer to God to mould me and train me to be His soldier is being answered. It starts in the mind and works from there.
I believe that when God feels like my mental training is over (it never truly ends but once the foundation is laid) He's going to start training me in other areas.

Never give up. Don't be like the many people out there who choose a comfortable, easy life. Choose to be one of them who forsakes the comforts of life and rises up to change the world. But if you want to be that type of person be prepared for preparation and training. God needs people who He can trust to send out into the field to face the enemy. His greatest warriors. Strive to be one of them. Don't settle for less.

Strive to have true grit!

Change

When i went out with my dad last night for my birthday he told me that you know if you're having a healthy change in your life when it's a slow process. You don't swing from one end of the pendulum to the next in a heartbeat. That got me thinking of the changes that have happened in my life throughout the past few years. It's obvious on my blog and Facebook that i've changed a lot and am continually changing. It's a journey but sometimes i sit and wonder if maybe i'm going way too far with my changing and want to be different from other people around me. People are quick to judge me based on my appearance and sometimes it does get a bit overwhelming so i get thinking. But last night while i was sipping my cocktail at the restaurant i thought of my life the past few years. The thing about people when they are so quick to judge me is that they don't know about my life. They don't know small details of what it was like living with an abusive dad, having to deal with rejection from a lot of people in my life, they don't know the mental struggles that i've been through while my parents were getting divorced. A lot of people don't know what it's like to be homeless and having to sell a lot of your possessions just to buy food (that situation is improving a lot BTW). They don't know me. But they think they do. They think i'm some crazy girl who is giving into my fleshly lusts and am following the pattern of this world. Compared to how i used to be, yeah, i guess it can look like that.
My physical change is just a sign of the change that is happening on the inside. When i look at old pictures i see a big change and i can now see how when i changed my hair or my dress style or whatever it was kind of a 'sign' of what was going on on the inside.
These are some of the pictures I found (excuse the poor quality in some photos) ...

This is when it all started. I started dressing more modestly even though i was never an immodest girl. But here i started wearing skirts all the time. I was somewhere between 13 and 14.

Here i think i'm 14 and this is when i started wearing head coverings. Can't believe how long my hair was, lol.

My skirt and top length also slowly started getting longer.

Then i started wearing my hair up all the time. I started thinking that it was bad to wear my hair down.

My outfits also got less feminine and 'attention drawing'.

Then i started wearing full head coverings, covering my hair 'n all. Still 14 here. 

I never wore skirts above my ankles or tops above my elbow or below my collar bone. Layers layers layers. It was hellish in summer! I was also wearing the tzitzit.

When i was 15 and my parents got divorced and i started spiraling down my dark path of mental issues i distanced myself away from the internet. I got rid of the head covering. I wear them on special occasions and when i have my quiet time. I still believe that God was leading me to wear the head coverings and skirts and all that but it was only for a season. Also when i started dressing that way it was when my father was really abusive and family drama was flying out the window and i felt myself shrinking away. Me covering myself up so much was probably because on the inside i felt like i needed to protect myself.  

I also started wearing pants 'cause wearing skirts became more impractical. Here i was visiting my extended family while my mom was in Alaska and my cousins decided to dress me up like a tree. 15 here.

When my mom got back from Alaska and we started moving around a lot i was still an emotional wreck and stopped speaking to my dad. I cut my hair, got a fringe and put some highlights in. I was also reading a lot of Leslie Ludy's books and i wanted to dress like her. In a very feminine, girly way. 16 here.

A bit too much pink makeup? Yeah, lol.

I then dyed my hair red ........ a really bad red for my skin tone, lol. Don't even ask about my eyebrows. I have pretty thick, dark eyebrows that i used to pluck but here i guess i felt the need to really really lighten them to match my red hair. Wow ... lol. 17 here and got my nose pierced for the first time.

Still wearing skirts a lot.

Got into my rag curl stage, lol. I don't have thick hair and i wanted thick, curly hair.

Then Taylor Swift's Red album came out and i looooved her style. Tried to mimic it of course. Here a lot of healing was happening in my life. I was studying the Torah through Rico Cortez and Ryan White. Changed my life and whole perspective on God's Word.

Tried to get Taylor Swift's hair do too. 18 here.

 Winter you only care about warmth and comfort. I dyed my hair a darker red and started getting eyebrows again, lol. Also took my nose ring out.

Went back to brown hair colour. My intention was to grow my natural hair colour back. Pierced my nose a second time. Getting my eyebrows back (i stopped plucking them), yaaay.

Then something snapped inside of me. I realized that i've always tried to be like someone else, dress like someone else, act like someone else. I didn't want to be me and therefore i was miserable. God created us all a unique way, we're all different from one another and when you try to squelch who you are, you are going to be depressed and have many 'freak out' moments. Still 18. I decided to take a moment and do what i wanted to do. Dress the way i wanted to dress even if i felt 'bad' doing it because it went against what i've always been taught. But later on a realized that the things that Christianity emphasizes a lot, smoking, drinking, piercings, tattoos, 'unfeminine' style for women were petty things to focus on. So i got dreadlocks! 

Eyebrow piercing. (I only had this for about 3 months).

I wore what i wanted to wear and ignored those feelings of condemnation. It was also about me being who i was personality wise not only dress wise. When your rejected a lot feelings can grow inside that tell you that people reject you 'cause you're not a nice person so it's best to change. But that's wrong on so many levels. So i was trying to own up to being me and ignored people's opinions.

I dyed my hair purple.

But i went back to red, lol. I love red but this time it's a deeper red so i can keep my eyebrows :D. Started becoming a lot happier 'cause i was healing and cleaning out my system of the past.

I realized that yeah, i love jewelry and a more bohemian and grunge style to the very feminine, florals and skirts style. I can't wear skirts anymore (sometimes i do if the style is nice) because it just reminds me of how my life was and what i struggled with. When i put on a skirt the overwhelming feeling of depression comes over me and i don't want to be reminded of what i struggled with in my mind. It's a part of my life that i had to heal from and i have.

19.

I also don't believe in strict modesty anymore. I don't flash myself around but i don't see anything wrong with wearing shorts above the knee or tops showing my upper arm. Modesty made me feel ashamed about my body.

And of course my recent addition, my tattoo. 

I've overcome and conquered a lot of things in my life. I feel like i've been through hell but i know that God was with me every step of the way, using the bad for a good. I'm a completely different person. I'm a stronger person. The only way you can change as a person and grow in character is to grow through hardships and i don't see my mistakes or down moments in life as bad. I see how God used it to mould me into His warrior and to teach me valuable lessons. I wouldn't go back and change a thing even if i could. My life hasn't been peachy and i can't wait for better moments to come when i can see my family happy but i don't hate what i've been through. I am a much happier person now that i feel like i can be me even if it irks people.

Eowyn

Today I just finished watching Lord of the Rings. It's the second time that I've seen it but it's been several years since I've last seen it that I've pretty much forgotten the details minus the fact that there's a ring involved and it has to be destroyed. I have to say though that the 3rd DVD in the series has got to be my favourite. The character Eowyn really struck a chord for me and i loved watching her as she transformed from a maiden into a warrior fighting against Orcs and saving her father.

 Being a warrior or soldier to a lot of people is seen as only a mans role and that it's no place for women when it comes to battle but I disagree. Women are strong and though they may not be as strong as men (and there are roles that are strictly men's) that's no reason to discourage them to not have a passion for fighting against the bad guys.

My dream and passion in my heart is to one day join the IDF. Not right now obviously as it is a secular army but maybe one day if this is really of God my dream might come true. I cannot describe the feeling i get when i see anything remotely army related and sometimes i have no idea why and it confuses me. I've prayed for 4 years (I was around 15 when this desire started growing) that if this really isn't God's plan for me then He would take this desire away and plant something else in my heart that He has planned for me. But every year it gets stronger so i just have to wait and keep praying about this.

But of course, being a warrior isn't only about physically donning a gun and fighting against the bad guys. It first starts inside. With honour, integrity, and strength on a deep emotional, mental and spiritual level. It's first fighting for the right things in your life right now and protecting the vulnerable, being a voice for the voiceless, being the strength for the weak, giving food to the hungry, clothes to the naked and giving homes to the homeless. Whenever you see a hero in a movie you always see these traits as being the most important and that's where it all starts.

And maybe one day, like with Eowyn, when the world is at war i will be called to wear a green uniform and fight for God's country. Anything is possible!

Rebellious

You're taught that the word 'rebellious' is a bad word. But when you actually look at the meaning of it, you realize that it can be used 2 different ways:

REBEL: A person who rises in opposition or armed resistance against an established government or leader.

REBELLIOUS: Showing a desire to resist authority, control, or convention.

You can rebel against the authority of God and His Word.

Or you can rebel against the lies of this world and the enemy who is out to destroy us.

You can rise with resistance against him (the enemy), you can resist the authority and control that he has over this world and you can resist convention.


CONVENTION: a way in which something is usually done.

I don't want to do what everybody else is doing. I want to be a change. I want to be a voice, not an echo. We're taught and told all the time who we're supposed to be. Blend in, don't stand out. Don't stir the waters, just keep your mouth shut to keep the peace. I don't want to be like that. I want to be unconventional. I want to set a different pace.

AUTHORITY: The power or right to give orders, make decisions, and enforce obedience/control.

No one is my authority except for God. Many churches and congregations will teach that the elders/leaders and your husbands/fathers are your authority. But the fact that they're saying that these men should be able to 'control' and 'make decisions' for me just sounds wrong. I'm not talking about being a feminist towards your husband or father, obviously those men will have some form of 'authority' over you but when other men, like elders and leaders, tell me that they have the right to control me? No no no.

I will be a rebel. I will rebel against the norm and the lies that get pounded into me everyday.

Keep Calm? No thanks.

Quote// I Live by a Special Code ...

BE THE WARRIOR

God Needs Warriors

God needs warriors.
There's enough weak kneed people out there who would abandon Him when hard times come but what does God want? What type of people does He need to fight for His Word, His glory?

He needs strong men and women.

Men and women who have faced hardships but have come out stronger on the other side.
Men and women who don't let difficulties bring them down.
Men and women who will put their life in danger to protect their King.
Men and women who are strong mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

Men and women who are warriors.

God is recruiting soldiers for His army. He's seeing who amongst His people are loyal and steadfast. Who will stand up no matter what for Him. Who will stand face to face with the enemy and not be frightened because righteousness burns within him/her.
Lots of people volunteer willingly but give-up because boot camp is just too hard. Some don't even know that they've given up and have stopped trying. But this is YHVH's army. He's only accepting the best, the strongest, and the bravest to get to the top.

Do you want to be a civilian in God's Kingdom? Just living under His protection but never fully coming into His presence? Never fighting along side your King to rid the world of evil?
Or do you want to join His army and fight for the greater good?

If you choose the latter, great but it's not as simple as that. There's obviously different ranks in His army. The higher you get the bigger the responsibility you get. Are you ready to be tested? Do you want to remain at the bottom of the ranks or do you want to work your butt off to get to the top where the King trusts you inexplicably? The tippity-top of the ranks is where you are part of God's mighties. Where you stand right along side Him in the heat of the battle, where you are His right-hand man. Like Benaiah was to David.

It's easy to want that desire inside of you but whether you are prepared to work through the trials that gets sent your way is a completely different story.
To get to the top your strength will be put to the test. You loyalty will be tested too. In the midst of it all you may feel like your King really doesn't care about you, every now and then He may even look like the villain instead of the loving warrior you always thought He was. But those are just feelings. You have to be tested in this area because the enemy, when you're in battle will try to convince you that you've made a mistake in following the King.
So you need to be able to put your shield up when those arrows come flying towards you wanting to penetrate and destroy anything in its path.
But once you've passed all the tests and are proudly promoted to one of God's mighties you'll be glad that you didn't give up in the middle.
Sure from now on your life will be different , very different and a lot harder than when you were a civilian but it was all worth it because now your King trusts you with His Kingdom knowing that you'll never betray or leave Him. He knows that you hold His Torah most dear and will never discard it.

Having the King's trust is a treasure beyond compare!

So go out into the world now, follow Torah, declare truth and freedom and whatever comes your way never, ever forget the bigger reason why your God created you.

TO BE HIS WARRIOR

When you're going through tests don't give up.

Never give up!

They were all mighty men of valour ... a young mighty man of valour ... mighty men of valour ... men that had understanding of the times to know what Israel ought to do; ... they were not of double heart ... expert in war ... with a perfect heart ... (1 Chronicles 12)

Lessons Well Learned

The past few weeks have been super hectic, super strenuous, super tense and super stressful. God's plans are rarely ever our plans and that was once again proven these past few weeks. If future plans are running too smoothly, something's wrong.

God usually takes you on a roller coaster ride that you did not foresee ... or want but later on you realize that that was the best thing to happen to you 'cause you've grown as a person and God has taught you some pretty valuable lessons.
I won't go into my story right now ... maybe later on but right now i'm going to share with you the lessons i've learnt from this hard hard time.

1: When people get squeezed their true nature comes out. 
During this time a lot of people around us have been squeezed and pushed to the very limit and it's interesting to see the different reactions from different people. Is it weakness? Or strength? Do you start blaming other people, making them feel lesser as a person? Or do you, even though it's tough, show kindness to other people and encourage them that all's going to be ok? Does bitterness or love pour out of you? Do you draw closer to God and see this as part of His plan? Or do you grow hard and start resenting Him?
I've been the witness of seeing some people during this time spew out bitterness and hate and other people pouring out love and kindness. It's amazing.
You need to make sure that even though you get pushed to the point where you feel you can't carry on, you grow from your experiences and when you come out the other side, you're a better, stronger person.

2: Idolizing the Jews is a dead end street.
I know a lot of people when they start following the Torah tend to look up at the Jews a little too much. Of course you'll admire them a little but when you become obsessed with wanting to be just like them and then later on convert to Judaism, you know you've gone too far. God really opened my eyes to this 'cause i was starting to get depressed because i thought the Jews were more special than me and had some sort of special connection to God but it's not true. They have the foundation, the Torah but even with that they've added so many fences that following the Torah no longer becomes a way for you to draw closer to YHVH but just a set of rules and laws that you do simply because you're born Jewish. When Yeshua is out of the picture a lot of things change. I read the Rabbi's Daughter and that opened my eyes to Chasidic Judaism.
*NOTE: The Rabbi's Daughter is a very graphic book so please take care if you are interested in reading it.

3: Will you trust God no matter what?
Even when it looks like He's abandoned you? Will you still hold onto Him and never let go?
YES! Don't let anything separate you from God.

4: No matter what always remember who you are and who God wants you to be.
A lot of people will judge you if you're different. If you go against the mould. If you think for yourself. If you question things. They'll judge your relationship with God, they'll look down on you. You just have to ignore those people, study the Word of God and see the difference between what's written in there and what's other people's opinions. Know who God made you to be and stick with that.

5: Not everyone sees you the way you see yourself.
I've struggled with major self-worth/self-confidence issues in my life. I'm a very quiet, introverted person and other people never fail to remind me of that fact. It gets really irritating because i hear it all the time. So in my mind i feel like people get irritated with me 'cause i'm not like my older brother who's very charismatic and extroverted. So whenever i meet people i keep my distance 'cause i don't need another person to tell me that i'm shy and quiet. But the other day my mom went to the hairdresser for a free blow and cut. The woman who always does my mom's hair is a good acquaintance of ours. We've gotten together a few times. Of course i wasn't actively a part of our get together's, I always sit and listen and observe always thinking that no one thinks anything of me. But when my mom was at the hairdresser and i was stuck at home with my allergies flaring up the hairdresser told my mom of how, even though i'm quiet, i strike her as some one who's strong, quietly strong. She says my quietness is strength.
That took me by surprise and made me realize that other people see me differently than the way i view myself.

6: Don't plan too far into the future.
Take one day at a time. Since i'm going to be 19 soon i thought that i will have to start making plans for my future. Obviously getting married and starting a family is at the top of my list but only God knows when that will happen and i can't sit around waiting for that day for years. I have to start doing something with my life. So a lot of things were running through my mind of what i could possibly do or study. The 2 things that i was leaning towards were going to tie me down for 3-4 years. I was all excited at first but then after a while i started feeling very uneasy and nervous about tying myself down like that for 4 years since my life hasn't exactly been very stable.
So i'm just going to have to continue praying about this and if God really wants me to do this specific thing then He's going to have to tell me loud and clear but my plans aren't always His plans. It's God's will that will ultimately prevail if you truly follow Him.

7: Brave men don't panic in the face of danger.
A quote from a book i was reading. When things start turning too fast, don't panic, be brave.

8: Always remember God's promises.

And then just a really frivolous one -

9: Learn now, for *the* final time, to not eat things that you are allergic to.
I'm lactose intolerant. I can eat butter but other dairy products if i eat too much of it my nose gets blocked and if i carry on eating dairy products things get worse. But now my body has told me that it now doesn't like the best mayo in the world, Hellmans. I just woke up yesterday feeling cold all over, i had sore throat, a massive headache and whenever i stood up i felt nauseous and faint. Who knew mayo could do this? But i took some allergy medication that a friend gave me, little did i know that it would knock me out till the next morning. I never take strong medication so my body obviously just KOed. But i woke up this morning feeling a lot better except for my neck muscles being in utter pain right now that i can't turn my head properly.
*sigh*. I never learn. But c'mon, dairy is awesome. Yoghurt, cheese, milk ... it's hard to say no to all of that good stuff.

No Regrets

This is my philosophy in life.

I look back in my life and i can honestly say that i don't regret anything in my life.

Before, i would regret some things because ... well, they were stupid mistakes and i should regret them because, maybe i would be a different person today. One that's not so damaged.

But now i think, no. Those decisions don't define who i am today. They've taught me lessons, they've made me stronger, and they've made me who i am today.

And through my mistakes, i am hopefully able to help other people in the future who have made the same mistakes.

To Be a Warrior

I started watching 300 the other night. I switched it off as i didn't look at the age restriction before i decided to slip it into the DVD machine. But the beginning was quite interesting. I love watching movies with action and grit and where the characters are strong and overcome hardships such as Gladiator.

My prayer to God is that He will make me into His warrior. But sometimes i just expect Him to pour that power into me without any work on my side. One day i have my brain working and i know that in order to be strong i have to go through hardships. But the next day something unexpected happens, everyone starts freaking out and stressing and i'm like "craaaap, what is happening? i can't deal with this anymore"! Forgetting all about my desire and the tests I have to go through to be a warrior.

Anyway, back to 300. The beginning shows what i boy has to go through in ancient Sparta to become a strong man and a warrior. It doesn't just happen overnight. You have to deal with hardships and trials in order to be a strong person mentally, spiritually and emotionally.
If you pray for God to do something such as give you more patience, He will give you the opportunities to be more patient. It doesn't just happen magically.

I can see how i've become a stronger woman. I speak up a lot more and since i've been raising my voice i don't have such emotional turmoil anymore. A lot of people don't like it when a person speaks up. I've been on the receiving end of some pretty harsh words because i don't let people treat me like crap. I feel stronger.

But there's still a long way to go.