Change

When i went out with my dad last night for my birthday he told me that you know if you're having a healthy change in your life when it's a slow process. You don't swing from one end of the pendulum to the next in a heartbeat. That got me thinking of the changes that have happened in my life throughout the past few years. It's obvious on my blog and Facebook that i've changed a lot and am continually changing. It's a journey but sometimes i sit and wonder if maybe i'm going way too far with my changing and want to be different from other people around me. People are quick to judge me based on my appearance and sometimes it does get a bit overwhelming so i get thinking. But last night while i was sipping my cocktail at the restaurant i thought of my life the past few years. The thing about people when they are so quick to judge me is that they don't know about my life. They don't know small details of what it was like living with an abusive dad, having to deal with rejection from a lot of people in my life, they don't know the mental struggles that i've been through while my parents were getting divorced. A lot of people don't know what it's like to be homeless and having to sell a lot of your possessions just to buy food (that situation is improving a lot BTW). They don't know me. But they think they do. They think i'm some crazy girl who is giving into my fleshly lusts and am following the pattern of this world. Compared to how i used to be, yeah, i guess it can look like that.
My physical change is just a sign of the change that is happening on the inside. When i look at old pictures i see a big change and i can now see how when i changed my hair or my dress style or whatever it was kind of a 'sign' of what was going on on the inside.
These are some of the pictures I found (excuse the poor quality in some photos) ...

This is when it all started. I started dressing more modestly even though i was never an immodest girl. But here i started wearing skirts all the time. I was somewhere between 13 and 14.

Here i think i'm 14 and this is when i started wearing head coverings. Can't believe how long my hair was, lol.

My skirt and top length also slowly started getting longer.

Then i started wearing my hair up all the time. I started thinking that it was bad to wear my hair down.

My outfits also got less feminine and 'attention drawing'.

Then i started wearing full head coverings, covering my hair 'n all. Still 14 here. 

I never wore skirts above my ankles or tops above my elbow or below my collar bone. Layers layers layers. It was hellish in summer! I was also wearing the tzitzit.

When i was 15 and my parents got divorced and i started spiraling down my dark path of mental issues i distanced myself away from the internet. I got rid of the head covering. I wear them on special occasions and when i have my quiet time. I still believe that God was leading me to wear the head coverings and skirts and all that but it was only for a season. Also when i started dressing that way it was when my father was really abusive and family drama was flying out the window and i felt myself shrinking away. Me covering myself up so much was probably because on the inside i felt like i needed to protect myself.  

I also started wearing pants 'cause wearing skirts became more impractical. Here i was visiting my extended family while my mom was in Alaska and my cousins decided to dress me up like a tree. 15 here.

When my mom got back from Alaska and we started moving around a lot i was still an emotional wreck and stopped speaking to my dad. I cut my hair, got a fringe and put some highlights in. I was also reading a lot of Leslie Ludy's books and i wanted to dress like her. In a very feminine, girly way. 16 here.

A bit too much pink makeup? Yeah, lol.

I then dyed my hair red ........ a really bad red for my skin tone, lol. Don't even ask about my eyebrows. I have pretty thick, dark eyebrows that i used to pluck but here i guess i felt the need to really really lighten them to match my red hair. Wow ... lol. 17 here and got my nose pierced for the first time.

Still wearing skirts a lot.

Got into my rag curl stage, lol. I don't have thick hair and i wanted thick, curly hair.

Then Taylor Swift's Red album came out and i looooved her style. Tried to mimic it of course. Here a lot of healing was happening in my life. I was studying the Torah through Rico Cortez and Ryan White. Changed my life and whole perspective on God's Word.

Tried to get Taylor Swift's hair do too. 18 here.

 Winter you only care about warmth and comfort. I dyed my hair a darker red and started getting eyebrows again, lol. Also took my nose ring out.

Went back to brown hair colour. My intention was to grow my natural hair colour back. Pierced my nose a second time. Getting my eyebrows back (i stopped plucking them), yaaay.

Then something snapped inside of me. I realized that i've always tried to be like someone else, dress like someone else, act like someone else. I didn't want to be me and therefore i was miserable. God created us all a unique way, we're all different from one another and when you try to squelch who you are, you are going to be depressed and have many 'freak out' moments. Still 18. I decided to take a moment and do what i wanted to do. Dress the way i wanted to dress even if i felt 'bad' doing it because it went against what i've always been taught. But later on a realized that the things that Christianity emphasizes a lot, smoking, drinking, piercings, tattoos, 'unfeminine' style for women were petty things to focus on. So i got dreadlocks! 

Eyebrow piercing. (I only had this for about 3 months).

I wore what i wanted to wear and ignored those feelings of condemnation. It was also about me being who i was personality wise not only dress wise. When your rejected a lot feelings can grow inside that tell you that people reject you 'cause you're not a nice person so it's best to change. But that's wrong on so many levels. So i was trying to own up to being me and ignored people's opinions.

I dyed my hair purple.

But i went back to red, lol. I love red but this time it's a deeper red so i can keep my eyebrows :D. Started becoming a lot happier 'cause i was healing and cleaning out my system of the past.

I realized that yeah, i love jewelry and a more bohemian and grunge style to the very feminine, florals and skirts style. I can't wear skirts anymore (sometimes i do if the style is nice) because it just reminds me of how my life was and what i struggled with. When i put on a skirt the overwhelming feeling of depression comes over me and i don't want to be reminded of what i struggled with in my mind. It's a part of my life that i had to heal from and i have.

19.

I also don't believe in strict modesty anymore. I don't flash myself around but i don't see anything wrong with wearing shorts above the knee or tops showing my upper arm. Modesty made me feel ashamed about my body.

And of course my recent addition, my tattoo. 

I've overcome and conquered a lot of things in my life. I feel like i've been through hell but i know that God was with me every step of the way, using the bad for a good. I'm a completely different person. I'm a stronger person. The only way you can change as a person and grow in character is to grow through hardships and i don't see my mistakes or down moments in life as bad. I see how God used it to mould me into His warrior and to teach me valuable lessons. I wouldn't go back and change a thing even if i could. My life hasn't been peachy and i can't wait for better moments to come when i can see my family happy but i don't hate what i've been through. I am a much happier person now that i feel like i can be me even if it irks people.

Shopping/Wish List Part 1/7: Boho Clothes

Today i did a bit of window shopping. Summer is upon us (at least in the southern hemisphere) and i'm super excited to one day go shopping for fun, bohemian clothes. The awesome thing about bohemian style clothing is that it's really easy to find modest items as 'bohemian' is all about flowy fabrics. My favourite stores are Cotton On and Factorie which i think are both Australian but boy, am i super happy that they're here in South Africa. They are a bit pricey but i'd rather buy a few really good items there than pay the same amount somewhere cheap and buy crappy clothing. Here in SA we don't have awesome thrift stores so when you shop cheap, most of the time you look cheap. 

These are some of the items i found today. Not everything i saw today was on the online store and not everything on the online store was in the actual store which i was upset about 'cause i saw some pretty awesome things online. And they also don't have all their summer stock.

COTTON ON:

Tops

This jacket's fabric is so amazingly soft.

I know that this is actually a 'dress' but i wear this as a top over jeans, flowy pants or a skirt.

What i love about Cotton On's tank tops is that, to me, it's not immodest. The neckline is nice and high (most of the time anyway) and the sleeves are thick, not spaghetti strapped.

I have this thing for animals on tops. I think it looks so amazing and awesome.

Love flowy cardigans.

Bottoms

Another wonderful thing about Cotton On is that their jean's are very soft and so very comfortable.

These are very soft.

Pretty shoes.

I went on the Factorie website. It was quite confusing and i couldn't find anything that i saw in the actual store but it's pretty similar to Cotton On. Bohemian with soft fabrics. They also have awesome rucksacks with pretty bohemian patterns. This was the only one i could find online but they have more and prettier ones. 

So that's my summer wish list.

I'm also planning on going to a place called the Oriental Plaza where they sell Indian style clothing that's really cheap (you find the odd gem) and there you can find proper harem pants.

Judging

You know what i've been realizing more and more lately? How some people focus so much on the petty things in life and ignore the bigger issues.

Christians especially. They can judge a person so harshly by their external appearance and whether or not they drink or smoke and they forget all about the heart underneath. From my personal experience i find the tattooed, smoking people to be very genuine and open and the people covered in modest clothing from top to toe to be the most harshest critiques. You may throw around the cheesy quote "don't judge a book by it's cover" but in all honesty, the religious people do that most of all. The people who claim to follow the Bible can be such hypocrites. The people who are supposed to love those from all different kinds of backgrounds, all different kinds of skin colour, all different kinds of appearances, and all different levels in their individual walk with God, can do the complete opposite.

I'm speaking from experience here. I write a lot about such topics, judging people, and i speak about it a lot because it makes me really mad to see 'Christians' push people away and condemn them because they happen to swear or they struggle with smoking, or they have tattoos.
There's more important things to focus on.
How many blogs and YouTube channels out there do you get on women's appearances? Modesty. I'm not saying that women who have blogs or YouTube channels primarily speaking on modesty is wrong but for most young, female bloggers out there to only speak about modesty? I mean, there's more for young women to focus on other than the fact of wearing skirts is more holy than wearing pants. What are you doing in those skirts or pants? Are you helping the needy? Are you feeding the hungry? Clothing the naked and doing whatever you can, going out of your comfort zone, to restore someone's dignity?

That's what's important. Not how much flesh your covering up or how long your hair is.

I say this because i'm sick of people judging other people so harshly, purely based on appearance and meanwhile their neighbour or someone in their congregation needs a roof over their head and they can't do it? Seriously?

Why is modesty so emphasized for women and not men? Most modesty videos i watch they focus about 2 minutes on the guys and the remaining 8 minutes on women. Modesty teachings need to go in my opinion. Yes, modesty is important for BOTH men and women, don't flash your flesh around and don't dress in a sensual way. But if i want to wear shorts that go above my knee to swim in or if i want to wear a tank top when hiking then let me be. I refuse to believe that guys are so sensitive to knees and shoulders that they utterly can't control themselves when they do see that bit of flesh. If you do struggle with a woman wearing casual shorts and a t-shirt on a casual day but instead she has to wear looooong skirts and looooong tops just to cater to your sensitivity then you have issues. I've met men who are normal. Who don't require women to dress according to such standards in order to not lust after them. So i know those guys exist and that's what guys should be like.
Modesty teachings can do the exact same thing that the world does. Make women into sex objects for men's pleasure alone. I have legs, i have arms, they're not sexy unless you make them to be in your own mind.

I really don't care if a person swears, drinks, smokes, has tattoos or piercings. You know why? Because no where in the Bible do you see God pointing these issues out and making it into a weighty matter. I used to be very offended when a person swore. How dare they? But seriously, it's not worth my time and effort to get offended and be upset with that person.

Is swearing a sin? No. You don't see it mentioned anywhere in the Bible. Sure it's not nice to hear and i utterly do not condone swear words to be directed towards any person. But if a person lets a 'bad' word slip out of their mouth for some reason ... there's no reason to blow it up and now think that person is just an utterly horrible, bad human being.

Is drinking a sin? No, not at all. Everything in moderation. Obviously you don't go now and get drunk just because it's not a sin. But if a person wants a glass of wine with their dinner or if someone wants a beer then why not? My brother drinks. When we go out to a nice restaurant he'll order a drink and that's it. Something to fuss over? Nope. It's a drink. I personally do not like the taste of alcohol. I've tasted many different drinks including some pretty bright coloured ones but i hate the taste of it all. Whisky? Probably one of the worst flavours i've ever tasted. A Savanna is nice but not something i'd drink for pleasure. But i still want to try Amarula.

Is smoking a sin? Nope. It's not the best thing for your health but no reason to condemn a person. I know a Torah observant man who's very zealous for God but he just so happens to smoke. Do i criticize him? Judge him? No. Because it's his heart that matters.

Are tattoos and piercings a sin? Obviously i believe that piercings are perfectly alright and i've been studying up on tattoos lately to understand the Word in context and not believe something just because everyone believes it and it's something that i've grown up believing because of my parents or pastor. The more i research the more i lean towards the fact that tattoos are bad only if you get it to honour the dead or a pagan idol. I know people who love God and keep his Torah who have tattoos. When i see their heart and their desire to follow their King i honestly don't see how some ink on your arm can change that. How God is further away from you because of that. It doesn't seem like God's character.

Everything in moderation. There's a difference between having one drink and getting drunk, having a filthy mouth or just saying the odd swear word because you're upset, having tattoos:

And having tattoos:

The weightier matters of Torah are helping the needy, honouring people and treating them as equal and not oppressing them. That's what's the Torah is all about. Treating your fellow man with respect and dignity in your home, in your business, and just in general. Surprisingly a lot of people don't do that and i'm learning all about that in this stage of my life. How people can sit down for a Shabbat meal and praise God for everything that He's doing in their life but they can't be friends or help a person because he's/she's black. Does the amount of melanin in a persons skin define how you're supposed to treat them? You're following Torah, you're claiming to follow the God of the Bible, the God of Israel, you're supposed to be a light to the NATIONS. The many nations out their, not only to the white people. So really, don't sit down for a Shabbat meal when you can't even invite your workers to join you because they're black.

So be careful when you judge a person on their appearance because you don't know what their heart it like beneath.