No Regrets

This is my philosophy in life.

I look back in my life and i can honestly say that i don't regret anything in my life.

Before, i would regret some things because ... well, they were stupid mistakes and i should regret them because, maybe i would be a different person today. One that's not so damaged.

But now i think, no. Those decisions don't define who i am today. They've taught me lessons, they've made me stronger, and they've made me who i am today.

And through my mistakes, i am hopefully able to help other people in the future who have made the same mistakes.

To Be a Warrior

I started watching 300 the other night. I switched it off as i didn't look at the age restriction before i decided to slip it into the DVD machine. But the beginning was quite interesting. I love watching movies with action and grit and where the characters are strong and overcome hardships such as Gladiator.

My prayer to God is that He will make me into His warrior. But sometimes i just expect Him to pour that power into me without any work on my side. One day i have my brain working and i know that in order to be strong i have to go through hardships. But the next day something unexpected happens, everyone starts freaking out and stressing and i'm like "craaaap, what is happening? i can't deal with this anymore"! Forgetting all about my desire and the tests I have to go through to be a warrior.

Anyway, back to 300. The beginning shows what i boy has to go through in ancient Sparta to become a strong man and a warrior. It doesn't just happen overnight. You have to deal with hardships and trials in order to be a strong person mentally, spiritually and emotionally.
If you pray for God to do something such as give you more patience, He will give you the opportunities to be more patient. It doesn't just happen magically.

I can see how i've become a stronger woman. I speak up a lot more and since i've been raising my voice i don't have such emotional turmoil anymore. A lot of people don't like it when a person speaks up. I've been on the receiving end of some pretty harsh words because i don't let people treat me like crap. I feel stronger.

But there's still a long way to go.

The Hair Journey

My hair has been through quite a lot these past few years. I don't regret experimenting with it. I quite enjoy

it. I was looking through pictures on my computer and it's interesting to see what different colours and styles my hair has been through.

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This is my natural hair colour. Ashy brown. I was about 14 in this picture.

This was the first time i changed my hair colour. I went to the hairdresser for a semi-permanent chocolate brown. I so badly wanted dark hair and voila. I loved it. I was 15.

Then i did the most stupid thing ever and that was listening to my older brother for advice on my hair. He loves short hair on women so i chopped off my looooong hair to my shoulders. I bitterly regret ever doing that ... but, oh well. This was on my 16th birthday and those are my grandparents.

This picture i laugh at every time i look at it. I can't believe i wore that outfit, lol. But here i went for a perm because i wanted my natural curly hair back. Perms don't give the same look though as you can clearly see, lol. I was 16.

Then i got highlights put in. Light hair isn't the best thing on me but i liked it back then. I just hated my short hair.

I went back to brown when we moved. This was when i was 17 and got my nose pierced. I don't have my stud in anymore but i'm thinking of getting it done again. This was a messy home job as you can see my roots are lighter than my ends, lol. 

Then i went red. The deep red looked better than ...

... the lighter red. Ugh ... this is just sad. What did i do to my eyebrows? Eish, lol.

BUT, oh, look at that adorable baby boy right there. He's truly scrumptious. 

Buuuuuut ... after a year of having red hair i wanted a change so i wanted to try and get a blonde ombre look going. Didn't go quite according to plan ....

Now i'm 18 years old and am back to dark brown. It suits me better than all the other colours me thinks.

And as i've written in my previous blog post i put some dreadlocks in my hair. It took 4 days 'cause i added extensions but i really really love my hair now and i'm now 99.9% sure i won't be messing with my colour again, lol. 

I got some beads in too which is awesome. I love my hair now!

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I might do a post on my dreadlocks some time in the future as i know there are some popular misconceptions about them.

Transformation

These past few weeks have been pretty hectic for me. I've been doing a lot of thinking and i feel like I'm changing. Well ... not changing, just being who i was before i was 14 and started being influenced by religious people. You might think, "You read the Bible, you follow God, of course you're religious". I don't like describing myself as religious because i don't like being controlled by a specific group of people telling me how to act and how to dress.
When i started following Torah, as I've said this many times before, i listened to people proclaiming that being plain and dull was the pure, set-apart way to be. Now physical appearance isn't extremely important but it is a factor. You express yourself through the way you dress, part of your personality is revealed through the way you dress.
My mom for example is a pure tomboy. Comfit and absolutely no florals or frills. And that's my mom's personality in a way showing through. She's not your typical 'Hebraic' mom who cooks and cleans. She's tough and speaks out and swims upstream, i guess. She questions other people's beliefs and a lot of people don't like that. She's not girly. She hates skirts. And that's OK.

I'm more complex. In my mind i created two roads i can walk down. One is the plain side where you dress like a nun etc. or if you want to dress a bit more creatively then you have to be in florals, lace and in soft, feminine colours. If you want to wear jewelry then it has to be very dainty.
With both these methods i felt thwarted. I felt like who i was being pushed aside. It wasn't only my creativity in my dress code but my personality was also changing.
I know that sounds crazy but it's true. I was feeling such turmoil and depression. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I didn't feel free. And since i felt this way i knew something was wrong and i needed to change. I didn't feel happy and my mom even told me that i didn't look happy.
Then i few days ago i was thinking about who i am. We're told in religion that women need to be soft and gentle and meek. But i'm not traditionally that way.
I needed to solve this problem so i was trying to think of what i was like before i was 13.

I was quite crazy. I didn't care about what my friends or what other people thought of me ( i miss that part of myself). I liked shocking people and looking different. Unconventional. I loved bracelets. I wore as many bracelets that i could find. Both my arms would be very decorative, lol. I liked clipping pink highlights in my hair. When Bridge to Terabithia came out i was in love with Anna-Sophia Robb's style.

I even bought long socks to cut so i could wear them over my arms like she did.

But then when i was 14 i was told that all this creativity was bad and not 'pure'.

For 5 years i was different. But now i feel like i'm breaking away from that. If people want to add and say that you have to dress a certain way to truly be a follower of God ... i don't listen. You can't judge a person's relationship with God based on if they're wearing pants or skirts. God doesn't define how we're supposed to dress. Obviously modesty is important and i'm not talking about Miley Cyrus self-expression. There are boundaries, of course. 

But within those boundaries there's room for self-expression and creativity.

Religious leaders have no right to tell you that you're unrighteous because of the way you dress. People in general have no right to say that certain items are immodest (I'm not talking about the obvious things). We are all different. Some plain. Some tomboyish. Some creative. Etc.

I just happen to fit into the Bohemian, creative fold and people can't judge me because of my appearance. I love crazy, wild fashion and that's OK. God made me this way and it would be cruel for Him to make me this way and then tell me to be the opposite. I'm not a meek woman. If something is bugging me or if a person is bugging me i will speak my mind. I will question. I will debate. If some one insults me i won't just sit there and do the "Christian" thing by just sitting and listening to it and not speaking up. I will step up and defend myself.

I don't like blending in. I've always wanted to stand out and not go with the flow. 

I love bracelets

I love takkies (especially converse)

I love cargo jackets

I love nose rings

I love earrings

I love mascara

I love beaded dreadlocks

I love nail polish (preferably red)

I love Indian pants

I love colour

I died my hair brown again
so this is what my hair looks
like now. (this isn't me).

These are a few things that i love. Obviously i don't wear all of this at the same time but it's what i love wearing. I don't always wear takkies or cargo jackets or Indian pants and i don't have a nose ring. But after 4 long days i finally have dreadlocks. It's a way for me to show people that i am who i am and i won't wear my 'normal' hair (which was exhausting to manage) just because i'm told that it's the desirable hair to have. It might not be silky but i can decorate it with beads which is more awesome in my opinion. My mom says she feels like i'm back. My funky, happy self. And i'm a lot happier for it.

Hate me, love me. Approve, don't approve. I don't care. I'm me and i feel more free the way i am now than i've ever felt before.

The Attack on the Biology of Humanity

This video on InfoWars.com i found extremely interesting and it answered a lot of these questions i had. Mainly about transgenders. I've watched a few videos on YouTube about transgenders and it confused me that 3 year old boys wanted to be girls.

But there are chemicals everywhere that attack your natural hormones and alters them. This video mainly talks about men and how feminine the men are becoming because of the mutation of food and how it lowers testosterone levels and increases estrogen levels. Just check out the young folks walking around nowadays. Justin Biebers everywhere.

One thing you got to know about me is that i research a lot of things about The One World Order, the Illuminati, and conspiracies.
Call be a conspiracy theorist or a Truther but all i do is analyze the facts and think critically. I choose to be informed rather than stick my head in the sand and pretend that the Governments truly care about people.

InfoWars is an excellent source to find out more about what's happening in the world.

The reason why i'm so passionate about this even though most of it is happening in America is because America is so powerful and has so much influence on the rest of the world and so what happens to America will eventually impact the rest of the world.

Our health is extremely important ... that's a given but stay away from all GMO, BPA and eat healthy. Stay away from fast food and oily crap that's full of artificial colourants/flavourants and a massive amount of excess sugar. You're body needs good healthy fuel not crap that just drags it down.

I don't eat fast food (last time i had it was about a year ago) and i try my best to stay away from all artificial food. Once you start eating clean and natural and you try and eat crap again you feel the difference. The reason why i don't eat most sugary sweets is because when i do i feel lethargic and i can't concentrate, i just want to sleep. Does your body really need that?
 No!

Honour the body God has given you.

Words Kill

I feel like i'm going to burst!

Some people just don't understand the importance of words. Even if you're joking, the words you speak can slowly kill some one else. Every time you say a negative thing a part of that person wilts away. 

At least that's how i feel. And it seems like everyday that happens. But lately it seems to happen more often. Why? Don't know.

Growing up my own father would make fun of me. Great confidence booster right there. He always compares me to other girls. The other night i went out to dinner with him and he was telling me that i never call him or spend time with him and he then proceeded to compare me to an 8 year old who just loooves her 'daddy' and *she* calls *him*. He tells my mom how these other kids are going to be lawyers in 2 years and they're only 20 years old. 

For years i had to put up with my father telling me i'm an old granny and looking at how i dressed like i was some freak. 

My grandfather didn't think before he told me that i have a huge face or that i must watch what i eat, "you eat too much" he used to tell me. I like to sleep with a light on at night 'cause my room is extremely dark and i like to see my surroundings. "I see the next door neighbours like doing that as well ... i don't know what's wrong with you people". His tone held disgust. Was that really necessary? 

Yeah, i have insecurity issues but i'm pretty sure a lot of that would go away if i can go one day without my brother making fun of that. Rubbing salt in my wounds. Joking about my 'layers' of fat and how weak i am. If it's not one thing it's another. He says he's joking. 

That's not a funny joke. 

When i speak up and tell him to stop that he says 'hogwash' and keeps going. I say one thing wrong or i fight his fire with my fire 'cause some days i can't take his crap anymore he looses his temper and says i make him want to hit me.

Thanks bro.

That means a lot. 

Or when i get home from shopping with my mom and Mark has this great big smile on his face and runs to my mom and tells her how much she's missed. I don't mind that, i think it's sweet but don't a few seconds later in a meek voice tell me i was missed too 'cause i know i'm not. 

Instead i get told that i should've choked longer when i swallowed wrong ... in the name of joking.

I get laughed at when i want to pursue something. Yeah, i'm not the greatest at maths but i don't need to be laughed at when i'm trying my best. I feel great when Mark says i'm intelligent but then that light grows dimmer as i hear my brother laugh and go, "her? Intelligent?".

I'm always the 2nd thought. The one who is the last to be introduced. The one who doesn't get mentioned in phone calls but Sebastian does. 

I guess some people just don't realize that everyday when i wake up and hear these things a part of me dies. 

Sometimes i think i'm unlovable. Am i really that bad ... that ugly ... that unacceptable? 

Will anyone ever love me for who i am? 

I don't know.

I hope so, anyway!

So as you go through your day, watch what you say. Be sensitive to other people's feelings and always think before you speak and think how your words will affect the other person.

HEAL don't HURT

I Don't Want to be a Businesswoman

Backtrack a few hundred years ago and all women did in life was get married at a young age and have lots of children. Then feminism came in and a lot more doors were open to women. They could now choose which path they wanted to be on.

The enemy is the ruler of this earth and so what does he try to do? He comes to kill and destroy. And that also means he tries to get rid of the natural order of life. God made a man and woman to come together in marriage because we complete one another and form the whole image of God. But what has the enemy done? He pushes homosexuality and now it's rampant. Just a few years ago it was seen as an offense but now it's an offense to say that you're against it. God created the woman to be a help meet for her husband but now you see women dropping their kids off at daycare and marriages burning up in flames.
Now, the new trend is not to get married at all. Sure, live together, have children ... but marriage? It's so unnecessary because most marriages end in divorce anyway.

The culture's message to everyone living on this planet is to get a high-end job to make lots of money and to 'make it far in life'. Since that's the man's role in life, to be the provider and to be the one with the good job, women try ever so hard to be like a man in order to be 'worthy'.

But what happened to being a wife and mom? That's somehow seen as a lesser job and not nearly as worthy as being a doctor or a businessman. I don't understand why! I look at my baby brother and i can't imagine giving up a life of being able to be a mom and a wife in the future, and to be surrounded with family to simply waste away by sitting in an office all day making lots of money just so i can pay my bills and have enough money to take a yearly holiday to the beach and to do something fun on the weekends.

I saw my dad the other night. He thinks just like everyone else does in this world and it's hard for me to relate when my dreams for the future will seem 'petty' to him. You're not reaching your full potential and you're wasting your life if you get married young. But that's what i want. I want to get married young 'cause i don't see how it can be a cage. You have the opportunity to spend the rest of your life with your best friend. Why on earth would you pass that up?

I hate the way the culture depicts marriage to be some last resort in life. You're somehow losing your freedom if you get married.

So yeah, it may look like i'm wasting my life by wanting to be a wife and to be a loving, supportive help meet for my future husband. I do want to cook meals for him, i do want to snuggle up on the couch at night while watching a movie with him, i want to serve God together with him ... why would i choose to live life by myself?

I look at 2 people that i know who are the same age but their lives are so different. The one is single, went to a university, she's traveled everywhere and she spends her evening with friends, drinking.
The other woman is married, has several children and spends her day raising and teaching her kids and being a help meet for her husband.

I see the emptiness of life for the one and a full life for the other one and i realize that i want the life of the latter woman.
Occasionally when i'm in the mall i see a young couple, early twenties and they have this newborn baby and i can't help but smile whenever i see that. It's so sweet. I remember this one time when my mom was paying there was a woman at the counter next to us and i couldn't stop staring. She was so beautiful. She was wearing such a pretty outfit with a long skirt and her hair in pretty, natural waves but she had this newborn baby in these cute slings you get nowadays that wraps itself snugly around the mom, but she had this permanent smile on her face and i couldn't stop thinking how happy and beautiful she looked.

How could someone think that taking care of a family is a burden?

So it may seem like i have no ambition in life but i just to be the woman that God made me to be. Not to be a slave to my future husband but to be his help meet. So i pray everyday that God will make me into the woman that he will need. The kind of woman who stands beside him and supports him and pushes him to seek a deeper relationship with YHVH!  And i want him to do the same thing for me.

Because i'm quite happy spending the rest of my life with my best friend in a small, cute home.