Lessons Well Learned

The past few weeks have been super hectic, super strenuous, super tense and super stressful. God's plans are rarely ever our plans and that was once again proven these past few weeks. If future plans are running too smoothly, something's wrong.

God usually takes you on a roller coaster ride that you did not foresee ... or want but later on you realize that that was the best thing to happen to you 'cause you've grown as a person and God has taught you some pretty valuable lessons.
I won't go into my story right now ... maybe later on but right now i'm going to share with you the lessons i've learnt from this hard hard time.

1: When people get squeezed their true nature comes out. 
During this time a lot of people around us have been squeezed and pushed to the very limit and it's interesting to see the different reactions from different people. Is it weakness? Or strength? Do you start blaming other people, making them feel lesser as a person? Or do you, even though it's tough, show kindness to other people and encourage them that all's going to be ok? Does bitterness or love pour out of you? Do you draw closer to God and see this as part of His plan? Or do you grow hard and start resenting Him?
I've been the witness of seeing some people during this time spew out bitterness and hate and other people pouring out love and kindness. It's amazing.
You need to make sure that even though you get pushed to the point where you feel you can't carry on, you grow from your experiences and when you come out the other side, you're a better, stronger person.

2: Idolizing the Jews is a dead end street.
I know a lot of people when they start following the Torah tend to look up at the Jews a little too much. Of course you'll admire them a little but when you become obsessed with wanting to be just like them and then later on convert to Judaism, you know you've gone too far. God really opened my eyes to this 'cause i was starting to get depressed because i thought the Jews were more special than me and had some sort of special connection to God but it's not true. They have the foundation, the Torah but even with that they've added so many fences that following the Torah no longer becomes a way for you to draw closer to YHVH but just a set of rules and laws that you do simply because you're born Jewish. When Yeshua is out of the picture a lot of things change. I read the Rabbi's Daughter and that opened my eyes to Chasidic Judaism.
*NOTE: The Rabbi's Daughter is a very graphic book so please take care if you are interested in reading it.

3: Will you trust God no matter what?
Even when it looks like He's abandoned you? Will you still hold onto Him and never let go?
YES! Don't let anything separate you from God.

4: No matter what always remember who you are and who God wants you to be.
A lot of people will judge you if you're different. If you go against the mould. If you think for yourself. If you question things. They'll judge your relationship with God, they'll look down on you. You just have to ignore those people, study the Word of God and see the difference between what's written in there and what's other people's opinions. Know who God made you to be and stick with that.

5: Not everyone sees you the way you see yourself.
I've struggled with major self-worth/self-confidence issues in my life. I'm a very quiet, introverted person and other people never fail to remind me of that fact. It gets really irritating because i hear it all the time. So in my mind i feel like people get irritated with me 'cause i'm not like my older brother who's very charismatic and extroverted. So whenever i meet people i keep my distance 'cause i don't need another person to tell me that i'm shy and quiet. But the other day my mom went to the hairdresser for a free blow and cut. The woman who always does my mom's hair is a good acquaintance of ours. We've gotten together a few times. Of course i wasn't actively a part of our get together's, I always sit and listen and observe always thinking that no one thinks anything of me. But when my mom was at the hairdresser and i was stuck at home with my allergies flaring up the hairdresser told my mom of how, even though i'm quiet, i strike her as some one who's strong, quietly strong. She says my quietness is strength.
That took me by surprise and made me realize that other people see me differently than the way i view myself.

6: Don't plan too far into the future.
Take one day at a time. Since i'm going to be 19 soon i thought that i will have to start making plans for my future. Obviously getting married and starting a family is at the top of my list but only God knows when that will happen and i can't sit around waiting for that day for years. I have to start doing something with my life. So a lot of things were running through my mind of what i could possibly do or study. The 2 things that i was leaning towards were going to tie me down for 3-4 years. I was all excited at first but then after a while i started feeling very uneasy and nervous about tying myself down like that for 4 years since my life hasn't exactly been very stable.
So i'm just going to have to continue praying about this and if God really wants me to do this specific thing then He's going to have to tell me loud and clear but my plans aren't always His plans. It's God's will that will ultimately prevail if you truly follow Him.

7: Brave men don't panic in the face of danger.
A quote from a book i was reading. When things start turning too fast, don't panic, be brave.

8: Always remember God's promises.

And then just a really frivolous one -

9: Learn now, for *the* final time, to not eat things that you are allergic to.
I'm lactose intolerant. I can eat butter but other dairy products if i eat too much of it my nose gets blocked and if i carry on eating dairy products things get worse. But now my body has told me that it now doesn't like the best mayo in the world, Hellmans. I just woke up yesterday feeling cold all over, i had sore throat, a massive headache and whenever i stood up i felt nauseous and faint. Who knew mayo could do this? But i took some allergy medication that a friend gave me, little did i know that it would knock me out till the next morning. I never take strong medication so my body obviously just KOed. But i woke up this morning feeling a lot better except for my neck muscles being in utter pain right now that i can't turn my head properly.
*sigh*. I never learn. But c'mon, dairy is awesome. Yoghurt, cheese, milk ... it's hard to say no to all of that good stuff.

New Piercing//Dreadlock Update

About 3 weeks ago i got my eyebrow pierced. It's so awesome i love it so much.

Why did i get it?

 'Cause i like it and i wanted it.

 It wasn't actually painful at all, seriously, i hardly felt it. My nose ring hurt more and it didn't even sting, just a slight pressure feeling and that was it. I was so incredibly nervous before i got it done that i was contemplating not getting it at all. I got it done horizontally instead of the popular vertical angle 'cause the horizontal looks more feminine to me. The vertical looks more masculine and punky and i didn't want that. I like looking different and unique but at the same time i still want to look like a normal human being and not some tacky, cheap weirdo.
My mom loves it too.

I don't have a lot of piercings. Just an eyebrow, nose and double ear lobe. I'm not a huge fan of my ear piercings. They just seen so dull so in the future i might get different ones done. In more rare, different places. Like a rook or tragus.

Anyway, now for my dreadlocks. I've had them for about 3 months now and they're forming quite nicely. My hair's quite thin (i don't know if naturally or if it's from the bleaching i used to do) so i do add a few clip in pieces to add more thickness. I hate the look of thin dreads. 

I don't put too many beads in. I don't like having a lot of colourful beads in my hair so i opt for the more neutral colours. I don't buy any special dreadlock beads 'cause they can be pricey so i buy beads from bead shops and then i sometimes take the beads off of some of my bracelets, make the hole bigger with a knife and then slide it on. Cool huh?

Some people judge me because of my appearance. I'm not 'set-apart' enough looking or i'm not very feminine because i don't wear skirts all the time and i just happen to like wearing a bit of makeup. I know who i am. I spent 4 years trying to be some one that i'm not. I was into the long skirts, no makeup, headcovering stage and it's great for some people. It's not a commandment by YHVH to dress a certain way. Modesty is important, not for guys but for yourselves. To respect yourself and show the world that you are different. 

God made me this way. He made me the tomboy/bohemian person that i am who likes to look different to everyone else. I don't have be accepted by anyone for God to accept me. Man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart. He knows my heart. He knows how much i want to be His warrior and to please Him. He knows how much i love His Word. And that's enough.

It's not about measuring up to other people's standards.

So hate me, love me. 

I'm me.

Moving Again!

So, at the end of this month we'll be moving again. Things are at crunch time right now as we still don't have a deposit down on a house yet and we practically have a week left to get everything sorted.
The past few weeks my mom and i sat down and have been searching for homes and out of the whole of Joburg only 3 homes were available when we needed it and had the right amount of rooms and space.

Today we went looking at the homes. We started off with one that was very nice inside but was in a not so kosher area. We arrived earlier than the estate agent so i stepped out of the car to see what the house from the outside looked like. It looked a little creepy, lol. The walls painted red with the roof all dark and birds sitting on the roof. Ever since i was little i always imagined haunted houses with birds perched on the roofs. Walking inside was even more creepy. The kitchen was very nicely done, all sunny and white but walk into the other room and everything goes dark. Most of the house was decorated with dark wood and even the stairs leading to the upper part of the house was dark and creaky. It was cold and echoey. It was also pretty big and we wouldn't have the furniture to fill it all so i can just imagine at night with the wind howling (we wouldn't have enough curtains to cover all the windows) and floors creaking ...... nooooooo. Even my mom was a little freaked out. I was just chuckling towards the end 'cause my mom and i were thinking of how my older, yes OLDER, brother would cope with living in a house like this. He plays spooky, scary video games and i've had a few good times giving him frights, intentional and unintentional. One night he opened his door just as i was about to knock so i had my fist in the air and when he saw me in the dark room he freaked out, swore and stumbled onto his bed. I couldn't stop laughing after that. You know that laughter when you struggle to breath? Yeah, lol. I needed that.
So, obviously, we weren't too keen on that house.

Onto the next one.

The second house was in a complex ... very Jewish area which i like 'cause Jewish areas always seem safe and clean. The Realtor was all friendly with us 'cause as we all know, Jews are extra friendly to fellow Jews and even though we aren't Jewish, he thought we were due to my mom's Hebrew name, Shoshannah. We all loved that house. We just know that that one is 'the one'. We tried to see it sooner but just were never able to and when the Realtor said he had 8 other people interested, we kinda gave up hope. But my mom's heart was really set on that house so she prayed that if those 8 people aren't interested then she'll know it's the house that God wants us to be in. And low and behold, 8 people saw it and 8 people didn't want it.
I loved that house due to the double story design (i've always wanted to live in a double story house) and the huge windows letting the wonderful sun in. The rooms were a nice size too, the master bedroom had a huge walk in closet and balcony, pretty awesome. It's also a few blocks from the King David Shul.

The 3rd house was also in a very Jewish, boomed off area. Nice house but very very cold due to the tiles that are in every.single.room. Who does that? What's so cozy about tiles in the bedrooms? Ugh.
So it was a cross for that one too.

It seems like the townhouse is the one for us. I'm super excited to move to a different area, different surroundings, different people, different malls. Different.

We'll probably stay in this house 6 months to a year and then after that we'll have to see. I'm just praying that God will draw me closer to Him as i'm still trying to deal with a lot of mental issues and depression. But i know one day this will all disappear. God will give me what i need in His timing. I just need to keep renewing my mind.

I wanted to do a video for my YT channel and i had one recorded but then our internet went down and when i watched my video over i realized that i didn't say everything that i wanted to. This next week will probably be busy and i don't know when i'll be able to upload another video. It might be a few weeks as we'll have to get the internet set up in our new house and i don't know how long that will take.

I hope everyone has a great day and a great Shavuot soon.

Shalom
xoxo

Counting the Omer

*Sorry for the bad quality. I will hopefully be getting a better camera soon.

Hope you enjoy!

No Regrets

This is my philosophy in life.

I look back in my life and i can honestly say that i don't regret anything in my life.

Before, i would regret some things because ... well, they were stupid mistakes and i should regret them because, maybe i would be a different person today. One that's not so damaged.

But now i think, no. Those decisions don't define who i am today. They've taught me lessons, they've made me stronger, and they've made me who i am today.

And through my mistakes, i am hopefully able to help other people in the future who have made the same mistakes.

To Be a Warrior

I started watching 300 the other night. I switched it off as i didn't look at the age restriction before i decided to slip it into the DVD machine. But the beginning was quite interesting. I love watching movies with action and grit and where the characters are strong and overcome hardships such as Gladiator.

My prayer to God is that He will make me into His warrior. But sometimes i just expect Him to pour that power into me without any work on my side. One day i have my brain working and i know that in order to be strong i have to go through hardships. But the next day something unexpected happens, everyone starts freaking out and stressing and i'm like "craaaap, what is happening? i can't deal with this anymore"! Forgetting all about my desire and the tests I have to go through to be a warrior.

Anyway, back to 300. The beginning shows what i boy has to go through in ancient Sparta to become a strong man and a warrior. It doesn't just happen overnight. You have to deal with hardships and trials in order to be a strong person mentally, spiritually and emotionally.
If you pray for God to do something such as give you more patience, He will give you the opportunities to be more patient. It doesn't just happen magically.

I can see how i've become a stronger woman. I speak up a lot more and since i've been raising my voice i don't have such emotional turmoil anymore. A lot of people don't like it when a person speaks up. I've been on the receiving end of some pretty harsh words because i don't let people treat me like crap. I feel stronger.

But there's still a long way to go.

The Hair Journey

My hair has been through quite a lot these past few years. I don't regret experimenting with it. I quite enjoy

it. I was looking through pictures on my computer and it's interesting to see what different colours and styles my hair has been through.

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This is my natural hair colour. Ashy brown. I was about 14 in this picture.

This was the first time i changed my hair colour. I went to the hairdresser for a semi-permanent chocolate brown. I so badly wanted dark hair and voila. I loved it. I was 15.

Then i did the most stupid thing ever and that was listening to my older brother for advice on my hair. He loves short hair on women so i chopped off my looooong hair to my shoulders. I bitterly regret ever doing that ... but, oh well. This was on my 16th birthday and those are my grandparents.

This picture i laugh at every time i look at it. I can't believe i wore that outfit, lol. But here i went for a perm because i wanted my natural curly hair back. Perms don't give the same look though as you can clearly see, lol. I was 16.

Then i got highlights put in. Light hair isn't the best thing on me but i liked it back then. I just hated my short hair.

I went back to brown when we moved. This was when i was 17 and got my nose pierced. I don't have my stud in anymore but i'm thinking of getting it done again. This was a messy home job as you can see my roots are lighter than my ends, lol. 

Then i went red. The deep red looked better than ...

... the lighter red. Ugh ... this is just sad. What did i do to my eyebrows? Eish, lol.

BUT, oh, look at that adorable baby boy right there. He's truly scrumptious. 

Buuuuuut ... after a year of having red hair i wanted a change so i wanted to try and get a blonde ombre look going. Didn't go quite according to plan ....

Now i'm 18 years old and am back to dark brown. It suits me better than all the other colours me thinks.

And as i've written in my previous blog post i put some dreadlocks in my hair. It took 4 days 'cause i added extensions but i really really love my hair now and i'm now 99.9% sure i won't be messing with my colour again, lol. 

I got some beads in too which is awesome. I love my hair now!

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I might do a post on my dreadlocks some time in the future as i know there are some popular misconceptions about them.