Dreams of the Future

Most teenagers when they reach 18 have no clue what they want to do with the rest of their lives. But we're told to have everything sorted out by the ripe old age of the big ONE EIGHT! 

I've always wanted to be a ballet dancer. I started dancing when i was 4 years old and kept going till i was twirling on stage in a tutu and pointe shoes. Amongst that i wanted to be a piano teacher along with being an actor. In South Africa most kids grow up with the American movies and so i thought the Americano's way of doing things was our way. I had this elaborate plan to leave home at 15, move to New York and become the best actress ever. I thought i would be so mature at 15 'cause that's how they're portrayed in the movies.

When God started showing me the beauty and wonder of His Torah my dreams changed. He told me He wanted me to be a warrior. To fight and defend Israel and His integrity. In my 15 year old mind i thought, "Oh man, I'm going to join the IDF. God, i'll wear that green uniform proudly.". I didn't know exactly how that would happen since everyone told me 'it's not a woman's place', and i'm not Jewish. I begged God to take this desire away if it's not His will, but alas, it's still there. Not exactly sure why.

But along with wanting to carry an M16, i wanted to get married and have my own family. I grew up without a dad's love or protection. He was abusive and with that my brother also turned hard (God's working there though, Baruch HaShem) which made me crave some male love. I was made fun of by my own father so don't blame me for being insecure. I wanted a man who would love me for me and not make fun of me or leave me ....! I always wondered why some people seem to have perfect lives while others just seem to fall apart.

But with the divorce and moving around a heck of a lot i didn't put much thought into my future. 

.....until now.

I'm almost 18 ... in one month. I must have some sort of direction that i'm leaning towards.

That's a difficult question .... what does God want me to do? 'Cause when you follow God it's up to Him.

My mom loves English and she has an awesome talent when it comes to teaching. So many people love listening to her teach and i know God's going to use that in a huge way in the future but right now she's going to start studying to get a teachers certificate in English.

I never formally finished school. I was homeschooled ever since i was 7 years old and my mom was careful not to put my brother and i in this brainwashing, educational system. 

So my mom asked me if i would also like to study for this certificate so i'll have something behind me. I thought .... "well, i love English and this past year i've been thinking that God wants me to pursue this along with writing ... so, yeah.".

But then i got depressed and i had no idea why. This is what i wanted to do, right? Why am i sad?

So a few days ago my mom and i went out for tea and she asked me if this is really something i wanted to do. I thought about it and said, "no". She asked me if i had 6 months to live and money was no object what would i love to do?

Easy. I would join the IDF.

But you know that nagging feeling that you get when your flesh wants to do something but you just know God won't let it happen 'cause it's not His plan for your life? I get that a lot. But it's good. Then i know where to go and where not to go.

So i thought more realistically. 

I would study Hebrew and go to Israel.

That's my dream. Sure the few people that i know who have gone to Israel, hated it. It's not what it's supposed to be. I hate looking at pictures and seeing the pagan idolatry happening RIGHT THERE!!!!! I get mad. But it's still my dream.

So why not? 

It's very easy to go out and study Hebrew and it's a possibility financially for me to go.

 God has used my mom to keep me on the straight and narrow. That's what parents are for. So I knew that if God didn't want me to do this, my mom, of all people, would be weary and immediately say no 'cause i'm about to propose to her that i go to Israel alone with one of the Torah teachers that we listen to since most of them have tours arranged each year. I looked up tour dates for Rico Cortez at Wisdom in Torah, Jim Staley at Passion for Truth Ministries, and Mark Biltz at El Shaddai Ministries.

Rico Cortez was going in January, that wouldn't work out since that's only 3 months away. His next tour would be in November 2014. I couldn't do that 'cause it would go over my brother's 21st birthday and i can't miss that.

Jim Staley doesn't do tours.

Mark Biltz had a tour already happening now in October.

But ....

Lo and behold there was another tour in April 2014, right after Passover at El Shaddai Ministries. I calculated in my mind and the timing would be perfect. 

So i spoke to my mom. And i am pleasantly surprised 'cause she's actually very supportive with this. And i asked her if she would be ok with me going alone .... at 18. She said she feels good about it but she would have to think about. She said she's not worried about traveling Israel with Mark Biltz and other tourists. She knows i would be safe there. She knows i will be safe on the plane but it's going through the security since Israel is very strict and meeting up with the El Shaddai group.

So i'm praying about it. I'm going to be praying about this till the end of October and then i'll present this idea to my dad. If it's God's will then my dad's heart will be softened but whenever i think about it i have this immense peace. 

I hate making emotional decisions. I always give myself a lot of time to think about something to make sure it's not emotional. That nothing is clouding my vision when i'm thinking of something. That's why i'm waiting till the end of October. 

During the tour i will be going to all sorts of places in Israel. Visiting the towns along the Sea of Galilee, staying 2 nights in Haifa, and exploring the Golan Heights. Swimming in the Dead Sea, and the cherry on top, spending four nights in Jerusalem. Imagine touching the walls of the Kotel? Standing on the Mount of Olives looking on at Jerusalem? 

There's so much more that i'm forgetting to write down here but it's going to be a real adventure. 

I'm still trepidatious. Is this for real? Is God really telling me to pack my bags and head off to the Promised Land for 2 weeks? I don't know. I'm still praying about it.

But i can't help but think ....

Maybe ...

Just maybe ...

YES!