Friday, October 18, 2013

Let Go

This song i really needed to hear!

The lyrics are so pertinent to me and i think God is gently nudging me toward the right direction even though it hurts and is so hard .... and yet .... it's so simple.

Let me give you a bit of a background on my life:

Growing up i was relatively happy. When you're young and naive you don't really pay attention to the real world. My days were filled with school and extra activities such as dancing, acting, and music. I was never the girl who had loads of friends. When i was at my lessons i would talk to the girls there but they would never come over to my house. I only had 2 'true' (i use that term lightly now) friends back then.

But when i turned 13 my life changed. Things got more tense at home. My parents were fighting more and my friends grew more distant. When i was 15 my parents got a divorce but during those 2 years of the arguing and the tears I grew more reserved. I was trying to handle this new found faith in God, learning about the Torah and trying to deal with my own father making fun of me at the same time.
I thought something was wrong with me and so i grew this immense self-hatred toward myself. I felt like i was a mistake and shouldn't be here since this time my friends didn't seem to care and so i felt alone.

My mom got remarried when i was 15. She stayed in Alaska for 3 months with Mark, trying to sort things out over there but during those 3 months i was in charge of the house. My dad was also traveling overseas.  He would deposit money into my bank account, just enough to buy food for the weeks. But i had to cook and clean and make sure the house was in order.
For a 15 year old dealing with a lot of emotions that was a lot of work.
But at the same time God was showing me so much in His Word.
In my family on my dad's side when you're 18 you get the Lee signet ring. My brother's very proud of his ring but to me it's just a ring although i was very proud to get it at only 16. I wore my ring the next day in the mall. I went to the bathrooms and as i was walking back to my grandmother i noticed i didn't have my ring on. I panicked and ran all the way back to the bathrooms which was on the other side of the mall. While i was running the verse in Psalm 45 popped into my head. "Forget your father's house". As i got to the stall i saw that my ring was gone.
Yeah ... a God-Thing!

When my mom came back i was such an emotional wreck i didn't know how to cope.
We moved around a lot after that. Staying a few months here, 1 night there etc. During that time i was battling with an addiction that maybe one day in the future i'll have the courage to speak about.

I told my dad goodbye and didn't speak to him for a year.

The house we're staying in now we've been in for over a year and God has really used this time to heal me from my past. I'm in contact with my dad again although we rarely speak. In a year i've seen him twice and yes ... he blames me for that.

But that Psalm 45 verse is still rolling around in my head. I get frustrated that my own biological dad doesn't make more of an effort but then i think .... how can i be angry? God warned me this would happen. And you know what's so amazing about Him? He's made it easy for me to do just that. I haven't had to tell my family members on my dad's side i must "forget" them. I'm pretty sure they've forgotten me.  I can see it two ways.

 1: My family really doesn't care about me and i was a fool to ever think that.
2: God is protecting me from any more emotional pain and so He's causing them to drift away in order to teach me and make me draw closer to Him.

The only thing that really hurts is the letting go part. I'm a sensitive person and grow attached a little to easily to some people. If your words tell me you love me and care about me and for a while it looks like your actions line up ... well, then, i'm a goner. But break that trust i now have in you and you probably won't get it back too easily. I will act all tough but inside i'm still soft and still attached to you and struggling to let go. I now see that in my past i cared more for the opposite person than they did for me. So i gave them my heart and they threw it back.

So this past year i've been praying very specifically. I believe in specific prayer! This year has been a major healing year for me. A preparation year for the life God has in store for me. I asked God to make my 18th year the year where *my* life begins. Not the life that's hitched to some one else's wagon. But that i'll be free for God to use me.

So i believe my life is finally starting. I wrote in one of  my previous posts of me hopefully going to Israel next year. At first i thought it was just me but now i truly believe God wants me to go somewhere. Some place where He can speak to me in a powerful way and where i can take the first step.

On a Shabbat my family and i listen to a teacher; Rico Cortez. He's amazing and actually a descendant of Aaron. A few months ago he spoke of the Rites of Passage. Everyone in the Bible went through it.

I can see how my life has lined up with this and how this past year God has taken me away from everything i've ever known. A place where there have been loads of trials (and there still are major trials). We're at this point where we're trusting God for everything and i mean EVERYTHING! 

13-16 years old: Rites of Separation.
16 -17 years old: Rites of Transition.

And i'm just praying that i will finally be 'incorporated' and ready to do His work in this world now.

I have 2 destinations in my mind right now of where God might want me to travel to. I've been praying about it and i can't help but feel this immense peace when i think of the one destination and a little doubt when i think of the other. There's a little bit of fear for the one and a little bit of 'security' for the other. 

One teaching by Jim Staley, he said that you should always go down the path you're most afraid of. God hasn't given us a spirit of fear and we must be fearless when living for His name. God rarely asks us to walk down the path that offers 'security' and 'comfort'. Rather i find He takes you to the end of your comfort zone ... the place, where naturally, you're most afraid, so that we can learn to not give into fear.

I'm still praying about this and will wait till the end of October - mid November to really make a decision and to walk out in faith.
The theme of my blog is all about being strong and being a warrior for God. My whole life i've been the softy who never speaks and the one who lets people ride all over but God is training my fingers for war and hardening me to difficulties so that i can truly be His warrior. 
Both trips are a bit scary since i'm traveling alone but there's this one i'm most afraid of more ... an end-of-comfort-zone fear and i think ...
 God's asking me to take His hand and walk with Him on those waves and let yesterday burn in the fire ...

and to finally LET GO!

1 comment: